Today, I left some items unchecked on my to-do list. You might think that’s no big deal, right? After all, I’m a busy mom with a tidy home, well-behaved kids, and a thriving business from home. So why does it matter that I didn’t achieve everything I set out to do today?
In truth, it really won’t matter in the long run. It was a minor task, one I can easily complete tomorrow. Yet, because I entered it into my to-do list app, it feels like an unbreakable rule. And when a rule is broken, well, I can’t help but feel anxious.
I start to feel uneasy, restless. I lie awake at night fixating on that single task, convinced that I’m failing at life: “Look at you, Jessica. You don’t have your act together. This is the beginning of the end. Your career is in jeopardy. Before you know it, you’ll be living in your car. Nobody will want to be around you. Everything will be ruined, and it will all be your fault.”
No, I’m not losing my mind (though it sometimes feels that way). I’m just managing an anxiety disorder that often gets the best of me. In fact, it rears its head almost daily, in one form or another.
The truth is, I disguise it well. I’m that mom who others admire and wonder, “How does she handle it all?” I’m perceived as kind and reliable, the person everyone turns to for help. I maintain a calm demeanor, and I’ve been told my voice has a soothing quality. I’m hardly ever labeled as “nervous.”
I don’t fit the stereotype of someone with anxiety: I don’t fidget or exhibit visible signs of distress. My struggles are internal. My thoughts constantly spiral, overwhelming me. This has been my reality for as long as I can remember. I’ve experienced panic attacks, sometimes on a daily basis, and I’ve been in therapy since my teenage years.
Currently, I feel I’m in a good place. Panic attacks are infrequent, and the worst of my anxiety has subsided. Yet, those intrusive thoughts still linger. I often operate from a perspective of “worst-case scenario,” convinced that if I don’t manage everything perfectly, disaster is just around the corner.
That inner voice is relentless. It conjures images of my kids being harmed or fears that a friend who hasn’t texted back suddenly despises me or worse. It drives me to respond to every work-related email immediately, afraid that my job is at stake.
This voice also pushes me to maintain the appearance of the perfect mother, dedicated employee, and supportive friend. Perhaps that’s part of why I frequently discuss my anxiety — to debunk the myth that anxious individuals have a specific look or behavior. If you’re one of those who hide your struggles, know that you’re not alone.
I understand the weight of keeping anxiety a secret, of not wanting to burden others, and the feeling of loneliness that comes with it. You might feel compelled to project a façade of having it all figured out, all while your anxious thoughts whisper that vulnerability is a weakness that could lead to further pain.
But I’m here to tell you: it doesn’t have to stay that way. You don’t have to shout your struggles from the rooftops, but if you grapple with anxiety daily, please consider seeking help. Therapy and medication may not eliminate your anxiety entirely, but they can help you regain control over your thoughts, bringing you back to a place of joy and peace.
Your entire being is beautiful, even the vulnerable parts you often hide. You are stronger than your anxiety, and deep down, you know it too. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
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Summary:
In this article, Jessica Lane shares her experience of managing anxiety while presenting a calm and composed exterior. She highlights the internal struggles that many face, emphasizing the importance of seeking help and understanding that vulnerability is not a weakness. By opening up about her journey, she aims to connect with others who may be silently suffering and encourages them to find support.