As a parent of two children with disabilities, I’ve encountered my share of unsolicited advice and well-meaning but misguided remarks. Over the years, I have learned how to navigate these comments, some of which can be frustrating or hurtful. While I appreciate curiosity and the desire to understand disabilities, there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed.
Recently, my nine-year-old son, Max, who has autism, expressed a desire for me to either ignore these comments or firmly tell the person that their remarks are inappropriate. For instance, when someone asked me, “What’s wrong with him?” I would typically respond with an explanation about autism. Now, however, Max prefers I turn to him and say, “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” This often makes the person reconsider their question and realize it was insensitive.
The most painful comments usually come from family and friends, often feeling like criticism or dismissal of our challenges. Remarks like, “You let her spend too much time on the tablet; that’s a big part of it,” or “All kids do that—just relax,” can be disheartening. While many people mean well, these repeated comments can feel demoralizing.
We reached out to our parenting community to ask, “What are the things you wish people wouldn’t say to parents of children with disabilities?” Here are some of the most frequently mentioned responses:
- “God gives special children to special parents.”
We are ordinary parents doing our best. Caring for a child is not a hallmark of being “special.” - “But he looks normal!”
This can undermine the reality of invisible disabilities. Just because a condition isn’t visible doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. - “That child just needs discipline!”
This comment implies poor parenting, while in reality, many parents are working tirelessly on therapeutic interventions. - “I’m sorry.”
Though well-intentioned, this suggests that having a child with a disability is something to be pitied. Our children are cherished, and we celebrate them. - “He’s on too many medications; that must be the issue.”
If a child requires medication, it’s because it’s necessary for their wellbeing. Parents don’t owe anyone an explanation. - “She’ll grow out of it.”
Disabilities are lifelong; they are not phases that children simply outgrow. - “I could never do it.”
If you love your children, you absolutely can. All children are worthy of love, regardless of their challenges. - “Have you thought about sending him to a group home?”
This echoes outdated notions of disability. Most parents want their children at home, needing only adequate support. - “Have you tried giving _______?”
Parents have often researched various treatments and remedies extensively and may have already tried numerous options. - “Didn’t you know before birth?”
This question is not only personal but also implies regret regarding the child’s condition. - “It could be worse; at least he can talk.”
This diminishes the validity of our struggles; each child’s challenges are significant. - “He’ll eat when he’s hungry.”
For many children with sensory issues, this isn’t true. We need to find creative ways to ensure they receive proper nutrition. - “My kid does that too.”
This invalidates our experiences, suggesting that our challenges are trivial. - “God only gives us what we can handle.”
This overly simplistic view does not reflect the complex realities parents face. Sometimes it feels overwhelming. - “Stop using the ‘autism card’ for sympathy.”
Our child’s disabilities are part of our reality, not something we play for sympathy. We seek understanding and compassion.
Navigating these comments is challenging, but it’s essential to advocate for our children and promote awareness about disabilities. If you’re interested in more resources on related topics, check out this excellent guide on pregnancy and home insemination here. For those considering starting a family, you may find valuable information in our post about at-home insemination kits here.
Summary:
Parents of children with disabilities often hear insensitive comments that can be frustrating or hurtful. Common remarks include misconceptions about disabilities, parenting critiques, and invalidating statements. It’s important to advocate for our children and promote a better understanding of disabilities in society.