Two weeks after my son was born, my partner admitted me to an outpatient mental health facility. I had gone without sleep for 11 days, trying to navigate the complexities of breastfeeding, adapting to my newborn’s erratic sleep patterns, and grappling with the whirlwind of new motherhood, which hits you like a freight train no matter how much you prepare. Despite reading countless maternity articles and parenting books, watching breastfeeding tutorials, and discussing parenthood with experienced moms, nothing could truly prepare me.
To provide some context, I have dealt with anxiety for the past decade. Prior to getting pregnant, I worked closely with my therapist to find a medication dosage that would be safe for my pregnancy. We were careful to choose an OB-GYN experienced in managing patients with anxiety and depression. With this preparation, my partner and I were somewhat ready to face the possibility of postpartum depression. However, we were blindsided by postpartum psychosis.
I won’t delve into the distressing specifics of my experience, as I am still overcoming the embarrassment associated with it. Suffice it to say that my 11-day-old baby was at risk in my care due to irrational thoughts fueled by extreme sleep deprivation and a hormonal imbalance post-birth. I had never heard of postpartum psychosis until I spent five days in the hospital, gradually emerging from the irrational fog that enveloped me during those sleepless days.
Upon leaving treatment, I was prescribed new antipsychotic medication that prevented me from breastfeeding. Unfortunately, I felt completely alone, lacking anyone with a similar background to share my experiences with. The isolation and shame were overwhelming. As I held my baby upon returning home, I questioned my ability to be a good mother to him.
Though I encountered others grappling with delusions and harmful beliefs related to bipolar disorder, anxiety, and depression in hospital support groups, none of them had recently given birth. It was only when my mother introduced me to Sarah from Postpartum Connections that I found some solace. Although Sarah was busy with her life, she took the time to call me personally and share her own story of postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) after her first child. Her willingness to empathize lifted a significant weight off my shoulders; she reassured me that there was no shame in my experience and that the postpartum symptoms I was facing would improve.
While I haven’t spoken to Sarah since that call, discussing this topic remains vulnerable for me, especially since I could never fathom harming my child. It has been a challenging journey to find the right combination of medications and lifestyle changes that allow me to thrive as a mother. I may not be the same person I was before my son, but I am grateful for the growth that has come from this experience, and I have gained a deeper understanding of my strengths and limitations.
Now that my son is almost 10 months old, I can affirm that I am genuinely happy. Ironically, 2017 became the happiest year of my life, filled with equal parts joy and struggle. Motherhood is, after all, a journey of self-discovery. I found a female psychiatrist who specializes in postpartum issues, and I currently take medication that doesn’t leave me feeling drowsy all day. After leaving the hospital, I was on medication that helped me sleep and manage irrational thoughts, but it wasn’t sustainable. Now, instead of working full-time, I spend my mornings with my son and teach in the afternoons.
I share my story for one important reason: When I tentatively recounted my experience with postpartum psychosis to another new mother, she replied, “I don’t know what that is.” This left me feeling unheard. I hope for a future where there is more education and support for women who have experienced postpartum psychosis, so they can navigate their journey without shame or isolation.
As mothers, particularly new mothers, it is vital to prioritize our well-being. In doing so, we can provide the best care for our children. At this stage in my life, I feel equipped to be the best mother to my son and the best partner to my spouse. However, I recognize that this journey is one of continuous progress.
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In summary, understanding postpartum psychosis is essential for mothers. It can be a daunting experience, but with the right support and resources, recovery and self-discovery are possible.