As we step into November, it’s that time of year again—my annual critique of the Pottery Barn Kids Holiday catalog. Why, you ask? Because when you throw around terms like “sateen” and “luxe faux fur,” not to mention the extra letters and unnecessary accents, you’re practically begging for a roasting. Last year was all about sherpa-lined extravagance, and this year? They’ve somehow cranked up the absurdity, and trust me, it’s a riot.
So buckle up, because I’m about to make you laugh until you need a change of underwear. And if you’re not prepared, I’m sure Pottery Barn Kids has some high-priced plush undergarments for those who can handle a comedic onslaught.
Love You Most Decorative Pillow – $29.50
Want to subtly inform your children who your favorite is? This pillow is just the tool for passive-aggressive parenting. Give it to one child and watch the others’ spirits wither. Merry Christmas, kiddos—unless you’re the one who keeps waking me up at dawn. I’m looking at you, Tyler McAllister!
Pom Blankets – $39.50–$59.50
Why on Earth does my blanket need pom-poms? Is it some sort of bizarre new form of parenting? Can I use one to silence my child’s endless requests for snacks every ten minutes? The logic escapes me.
Faux Fur Decorative Pillows – $49.50
Where is PETA when you need them? Imagine this: you sneak these pillows into your child’s bed overnight, and their morning screams will be a mix of delight and sheer terror. Because why not?
Tree House Loft Bed – $1,599
Why not give your kids a $1,600 reason to resist bedtime? As they giggle and scream for water while you clutch the rail in frustration, remember that our ancestors endured hardships to give us homes, not extravagant loft beds.
Monique Lhuillier Swan Kid Rocker – $199
“Stop looking at me, swan.” This rocker is just another way to introduce your child to the concept of overpriced whimsy. Trust me, I never dreamed of riding a swan as a child, and I was adventurous!
Feather Pendant – $169
After your kid has had their fun with the swan rocker, they can add feathers to this chandelier that looks like it has a dark secret. Seriously, Pottery Barn Kids, tone it down a notch.
Something Blue Toddler Quilt – $159
Sometimes I can’t even muster the energy to get out of bed, so I just yell “Monique Lhuillier” and end up spending $160 on a quilt that looks suspiciously like it belongs in a bathroom.
Faux Fur Tree Garland – $24
Deck your halls with this faux fur garland that resembles the remnants of a sheep shearer’s floor. It’s almost like it wants to consume your soul. Is this how Monique Lhuillier plans to take over?
Butterfly Chandelier – $499
If you think a $500 chandelier is a necessity for a child’s room, you might want to reconsider your priorities. I was thrilled with glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling—your kids will survive just fine without this extravagance.
Faux Fur Everything
Why not go full throttle with faux fur? You can cozy up under a pile of woodland creature skins and take selfies with their heads. Go wild; it’s your life!
Greenwich Dollhouse – $399
“Tyler, I told you not to take your $400 dollhouse outside! I’ll buy you a cheaper one if you ruin this.” Welcome to the world of high-stakes parenting where dollhouses come with hefty price tags.
Monique Lhuillier Tree Skirt – $89
Do you need a way to remember your last name? This $89 tree skirt made from lion mane will certainly help you stand out at holiday gatherings.
Fawn Fur Throws – $99
For a family movie night, wrap your kid in this fawn fur blanket just before the scene where Bambi’s mother gets shot. It’s a great way to mix fun with some dark humor.
Critter Chairs – $129
Imagine posing your child on this throne—perfect for Instagram, right?
In summary, the Pottery Barn Kids Holiday catalog is a wild ride through overpriced whimsy and questionable parenting choices. If you’re interested in more parenting insights, check out this article on home insemination kits, and for those considering fertility options, this resource on IVF is invaluable.