When it comes to gratitude, I consciously decided to steer clear of the topic this year. Perhaps it’s because I feel like an “ugly American,” or maybe I share the same sense of entitlement that some kids exhibit today. Or perhaps, I just see so many others articulating the theme of gratitude so eloquently that I didn’t see the need to add my voice.
Friends like Ethan have written insightful pieces on appreciating the challenges in life, while Sarah explores how to find thankfulness amid heartbreak in her article, “Why You Should Embrace Suffering.” With so many perspectives out there, I didn’t feel compelled to contribute my own. Yet, the desire to feel grateful remains.
A Moment of Realization
As I unpacked the holiday decorations this year, I stumbled upon something I had been searching for. It had been years since I last laid eyes on it, but when I finally did, I felt anything but grateful. In fact, my emotions were quite the opposite. This ornament, a delicate angel, holds dates that I wish I could forget. I wasn’t aware that my partner disliked the ornament as much as I yearned to find it. He tends to hide it each year, and I always hope to rediscover it to relive the memories attached to it. This year, however, I succeeded in finding it before he could hide it.
As I traced my fingers over the ornament, I remembered a conversation I had with my eldest daughter about the gap between her age and her sister’s. She often wonders why there are so many years between them. The second child, as we call her, is not just the second but actually our sixth. There was a time when I thought she was old enough to understand that we had more siblings in heaven than we could ever hold. Tragically, three of them left us too soon, and they await us in the afterlife. When I saw the ornament this year, I realized I had overlooked one of those precious dates.
The Forgotten Child
The ornament displayed four dates, not three. How could I have forgotten? I shared my confusion with my daughter, explaining that while there were three babies between her and her sister, the tag indicated four. Which one had slipped my mind? The third? The fourth? I recalled the year 2008, which was particularly challenging. We faced the heartbreak of losing two babies that November, right around Thanksgiving. I remember one of the babies was healthy, and doctors had reassured us that we ought to have held her. The others had complications that would have led to only brief moments with them. The reality is that there were four babies we will never meet, and the dates are etched on that card forever.
As tears welled in my eyes, my daughter wrapped her arms around me and said, “Oh, Mommy.” I found myself breaking down as I told her I didn’t mean to forget. How could a mother forget? We desired each one of those lives just as deeply as we wanted her and her sister. She held me tighter.
Finding Gratitude in Perspective
While I am not thankful for the pain or loss, I do appreciate the new perspective that has emerged from it. Our youngest child is about to celebrate her birthday in November, a reminder of joy following so much sorrow. After her arrival, we made the decision not to have any more children, meaning no more daily injections or anxieties about whether we would carry to term. Her birth signifies a moment when we can truly feel grateful for life. Her existence allows us to release the shadow of loss.
We don’t forget our other children, nor do we need to worry about them. As my partner reminds me, “They are already in heaven. The two who matter most are here with us.” For that, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness.
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In summary, while I may feel ungrateful at times, ultimately, my experiences have reshaped my understanding of gratitude. I have learned to find appreciation not only in the joys but also in the losses, and this revelation has been profoundly impactful.