Recently, my husband made a remark that probably wasn’t the best choice: “I feel amazing! I got a full 12 hours of sleep last night!” Our little one, whom we affectionately call The Peanut, is just three months old and has already faced natural disasters and significant wildfires in California. One of his latest skills? Shoving both hands in his mouth with a serious expression, as if he’s deep in thought. He’s so chubby that someone recently mistook him for a nine-month-old. He’s thriving!
As for me, well, let’s just say I’m a “walking symptom,” as my husband jokingly put it. Here’s a rundown of my current state:
- Two pains that disappeared during pregnancy have returned: shoulder impingement, and metatarsalgia (a fancy term for foot pain).
- My fingers are covered in weeping, blistering eczema, with cracks in the skin.
- I have an itchy inflammation on one toe, making it red and swollen.
- Bleeding hemorrhoids.
- Serious constipation. When will my body return to normal?
- Oh, and my hair is falling out in clumps.
But wait, there’s more! I also have two delightful baby-related conditions:
- Dysphoric milk ejection reflex (D-MER): Right before my milk lets down, I experience overwhelming sadness, loss of appetite, exhaustion, and difficulty focusing. This strange feeling passes quickly, but it hits me about ten times a day for 20–30 seconds, just before I need to nurse. I Googled “Why do I feel sad when breastfeeding?” and apparently, I’m not alone; it’s not postpartum depression but a reaction to hormonal changes. I can’t help but wonder if it’s my fault for indulging in too many stimulants back in my 20s.
- De Quervain’s tenosynovitis, also known as “Mommy thumb,” has me in constant wrist pain from lifting my growing baby. Ice and ibuprofen help a bit, but I’m pretty much living in wrist guards. How attractive!
To distract myself from the chaos, I turned to my favorite book, What to Expect the First Year, part of “America’s Best-Selling Parenting Series.” So much useful advice for new moms! For instance, the section on “Getting Back Into Shape” includes a charming illustration suggesting I just pull together a workout outfit, grab my stroller, and get to it.
When I skimmed Chapter 23, titled “For Mom: Enjoying the First Year,” I found a subsection that asks what I may be wondering about. The authors suggest I might be concerned about “Exhaustion,” “Not Being in Control,” and “Stretched Vagina.” Seriously? Here’s what I’m really worried about:
- If I step away from the baby for 45 seconds to switch laundry, will he suffocate?
- If I leave him in the swing to apply steroid cream on my eczema, will he be okay?
- If I take a bath with him alone, could I have a heart attack and drop him?
- What if I let him be unengaged for a minute; will someone report me?
- If I pick him up during tummy time, will it spoil him?
- If I nurse him longer just to get a moment’s peace, will I regret it?
- What’s sex like now?
The subsection “Getting Everything Done” features a fake question from a pretend mom lamenting her messy home. Feminism quiz: What’s wrong with this scenario?
She states, “My once immaculate house is now a mess.” Oh, please, not my spotless home! The advice is to “Get hold of yourself.” Sure thing, I’ll just do that.
“Dwelling on what you have to do only makes it harder.” But what if that anxiety is oddly comforting?
“Relax and take a few deep breaths.” But then you say to “Get good at doubling up!”
“Banish thoughts of chores while with the baby; the mess will still be there later.” Wait, what has my husband been doing while I’m keeping this baby alive?
“Get rest. Oddly, the best way to get things done is to rest.” Sounds like an oxymoron, right?
“Get help.” Sure, easy for someone who can barely manage a maxi pad change.
“Make sure there’s an equal division of labor between you and your spouse.” Right, I’ll just draft a new era while I’m at it!
“Set your priorities.” Is it more important to vacuum or relax when the baby sleeps? I don’t like your tone.
“Keep in mind that doing too much too soon can drain your energy.” Yeah, and who’s cleaning this mess?
“Get organized. Lists are a new mom’s best friend.” You mean writing a list takes two hands?
“Assign approximate times to each activity.” When you picture a new mom, do you see her sitting at the kitchen table, sipping tea while jotting down tasks? Because that’s not my reality.
“Take shortcuts wherever possible.” Already on it. No chores, thank you very much.
“Make friends with frozen vegetables…” Funny, some of my best friends are indeed frozen veggies.
“Get a jump on tomorrow tonight.” Wait, didn’t you just say to rest?
What about getting out? Plan a daily outing, they say, as I stare at my husband with wild eyes, thinking, “I haven’t left the house all day!”
“If you can laugh, you’re less likely to cry.” Sure, because the real issue is the conflicting advice from two different authors.
“Get used to it.” Never, ever!
Here’s a better tip: Marry someone like my husband who, when I ask for a moment to write, responds with, “And when would you like breakfast?” and genuinely means it.
I used to whip up a ginger fruit bowl every morning. Here’s what you need:
- 1 cup plain Greek yogurt
- Fruit of your choice (mixed berries, chopped banana, peaches, or pears)
- A handful of walnuts
- 1 tsp. chopped raw ginger
- A spoonful of honey
Just combine and enjoy. You might be surprised how much you love raw ginger first thing!
For more insightful tips and resources, check out Modern Family Blog. Looking for info on artificial insemination? Visit Make a Mom for a comprehensive guide. For pregnancy week-by-week resources, March of Dimes is an excellent site to explore.
Summary
Navigating motherhood can feel overwhelming, especially with unsolicited advice and societal expectations. From physical challenges to emotional hurdles, the experience is complex and often not reflected in typical parenting guides. Embrace your reality with humor, seek support, and remember that self-care is essential.