Parenting
Content Warning: Child Loss
Five years after the heartbreaking loss of my three-week-old daughter, Emma, due to a congenital heart defect, I’ve gained a clearer understanding of the triggers that ignite my grief. Familiar instances, like encountering someone with her name, can shatter my composure in an instant. Other times, seemingly random stimuli—like the antiseptic smell of a hospital—can transport me back to the two-month bed rest I endured while pregnant with Emma and her twin sister, Sophie.
It’s during those moments when I believe I’m moving forward, feeling relatively stable, that grief sneaks in and disrupts my peace, tearing open old wounds of loss and trauma without a second thought.
Just a couple of weekends ago, I was having a lovely day with two of my closest friends. We had gathered for a casual catch-up, a rare occasion amidst the chaos of our busy lives in different cities. As we reminisced about old times, I noticed a photo book on the ottoman where I had propped my feet.
Curious, I started flipping through its pages, quickly realizing it was a beautiful compilation of recipes and memories that my friend had received as a wedding gift years ago. Having known her for more than two decades and having been a bridesmaid, I was taken aback that I hadn’t contributed anything to this heartfelt collection.
“Why didn’t I send you a recipe?” I inquired, confusion creeping in.
Her response came softly: “That was in October, when everything… happened.”
In that moment, it felt like the air had left the room. A wave of sorrow washed over me. Emma passed away on October 4, 2018, and the fact that I didn’t contribute a recipe was a stark reminder of how engulfed I was in my grief during that time, unable to partake in a meaningful gesture for someone so dear to me.
Despite enjoying my time with friends, I couldn’t shake the impact of that moment. It was a stark reminder of that dark period in my life. No matter how much time goes by or how much healing occurs, an undercurrent of sadness will always remain. I feel an enduring sense of incompleteness and bitterness, as I was robbed of shared milestones—first smiles, birthday celebrations, and the unique joy of raising twins.
But the day’s grief was not yet finished with me. When I returned home, I helped my husband tuck our daughters into bed and grabbed the mail from the box. My heart dropped when I spotted a familiar white envelope atop the pile of bills.
“To the family of Emma Benson.”
I knew exactly what it contained: the annual invitation from the hospital for the children’s remembrance ceremony they hold for families who have lost a child. I stared at the envelope, a mix of dread and sorrow washing over me, and instinctively tossed it aside. We attended the ceremony the first year after Emma’s passing, and while it was thoughtfully organized, we haven’t gone back since. Yet, here it was again, a painful reminder of our loss.
That night, like countless others, I cried myself to sleep. Grief had been stealthy that day; it didn’t present itself through a song or a familiar scent. Instead, it ambushed me in a relentless manner. The truth about grief and loss is that they never truly fade away. While we can choose not to let grief consume us, its shadow remains, lurking on the edges of our lives, ready to strike when least expected.
Through my journey of loss, I’ve learned that there will be times of strength and times of weakness. Some days, I will rise above, while on others, grief may engulf me entirely. I understand that grief will continue to punctuate my life in unforeseen ways, and when it does, I’ll strive to seek the light and navigate through each day.
For those navigating similar experiences, resources like Make a Mom and Johns Hopkins Fertility Center can offer valuable support. You can also explore more about coping strategies at Modern Family Blog.
Summary
Grief is an unpredictable companion that can strike at any moment, often catching us off guard. This article shares a personal story highlighting how memories and reminders can evoke profound feelings of loss, illustrating the ongoing journey of navigating grief while seeking light in the darkness.