Family is often touted as the cornerstone of our lives, the ones who should be there for us unconditionally. But this notion can lead to immense personal turmoil. Years ago, I made the brave choice to prioritize my well-being over blind loyalty, ultimately distancing myself from my family in my late teens.
What Does Distancing Mean?
To put it simply, I don’t engage frequently. A sporadic call every few months is my current reality. My relationship with my mother? It’s been five years since we last communicated, and those years have been some of the most liberating of my life. In a previous post, I expressed that you don’t have to love your family entirely; sometimes, that includes letting go of certain relatives.
Some family members can be harmful to your mental and emotional health. I have no intention of being by my mother’s side in her final moments, nor will I attend her funeral. My child will never know their grandmother, and frankly, that’s for the best. She wasn’t even invited to my wedding due to her history of overshadowing important life events—proms, graduations, family vacations, holidays have all been marred by her presence.
The Reality of Toxic Relationships
While many blogs focus on eliminating toxic friendships, the truth is that sometimes you need to cut ties with a toxic parent. It’s a harsh reality, but it takes a monumental amount of damage to cultivate such feelings toward your own mother. Constant criticism, daily berating, and emotional manipulation can lead you to a breaking point.
I recall a time in my childhood when my mother convinced me that my friends were stealing from us. I felt compelled to search them before leaving my home, only to discover that my actions hurt those I cared about. The shame of those moments was overwhelming and only served to isolate me further.
As I progressed through school, I faced similar challenges. For instance, after receiving a ribbon for kindness towards a classmate with special needs, my mother reacted by shaming me and calling me derogatory names. These episodes were frequent—her negativity was relentless. I eventually chose to pursue music, a passion that became my refuge, despite her constant discouragement.
Understanding Love and Toxicity
My father, often silent during these heated moments, once said, “Your mom loves you,” during an episode where she threatened us with a kitchen knife. The police, unimpressed by her frailty, dismissed our concerns. It’s hard to believe that love could manifest in such destructive ways.
Over the years, my mother’s mental health deteriorated—her schizophrenia transformed her into a stranger. In my teenage years, she ceased to engage meaningfully with anyone, including me. While I sometimes felt pity for her, I recognized that being around her was detrimental to my own mental stability. I have a future to focus on, and I can’t be dragged down by her toxicity.
Reflections on Other Relationships
Observing other people’s relationships with their mothers often leaves me in awe. Most mothers, despite their imperfections, seem to provide genuine support and love. I watch as my partner embraces his mother during the holidays, and although I feel a pang of curiosity, I wouldn’t trade my experience for theirs.
Occasionally, I catch a glimpse of my mother in the mirror. She was beautiful, but her negativity lingers within me. It’s a constant reminder to not repeat her mistakes. Yet, the traits she instilled in me—caution and skepticism—have turned into valuable tools in my life.
Moving Forward
I’ve moved past the desire to reconcile with my mother. Her absence is a liberating choice. I don’t wish for a different past. I understand that resilience is forged through adversity, whether faced as a child or an adult.
Conclusion
In conclusion, not all familial relationships are healthy, and it’s vital to acknowledge when it’s necessary to distance yourself from toxic influences. For those navigating similar experiences, resources like Mayo Clinic can provide valuable insights into personal growth and relationships. You can also explore topics like at-home insemination kits at Make a Mom for family planning support. Understanding that you don’t need to seek validation from those who harm you can be a crucial step toward personal freedom and happiness.