I find myself reflecting on my mother—a relationship marked by estrangement, yet the longing for her presence remains. Is it permissible to admit that I miss someone from whom I’ve distanced myself? Can estrangement coexist with genuine feelings of loss? I believe it can, and it does for me.
Throughout the years, I’ve grappled with conflicting emotions about her absence. Even when she was alive, our connection had become tenuous, and I often felt an emptiness that no words could fill. In those moments, my feelings were tinged with frustration and resentment. I wanted her to be the nurturing figure I needed as I navigated the chaos of motherhood, overwhelmed by laundry and the demands of my newborns. I imagined her as the wise matriarch, reassuring me that this challenging phase would eventually fade—if only I could believe her.
However, the reality painted a different picture. My mother wasn’t thriving; she was struggling with her own demons of mental illness and addiction. As I stood buried under the weight of daily responsibilities, I often overlooked the depth of her pain, preferring to focus on my own grievances. It was easier to indulge in self-pity than to confront the harsher truths of her life.
Now, my feelings have transformed. The ache I experience is profound, rooted deep within my being. It resonates in the rhythm of my breath and heartbeat, intertwining with my love for my children and my appreciation for life’s simple pleasures—like the satisfaction of a good meal or a fine glass of wine. I find myself mourning not just the relationship we lost, but the life she could have had, free from the grip of her struggles.
I miss her not out of loneliness or chaos, though those feelings linger too. I miss her simply because she is my mother. I share this to remind you that it’s perfectly valid to feel a spectrum of emotions regarding those you miss—whether it’s sadness, anger, or even absurd laughter in the face of life’s unpredictability. It’s okay to feel all of this and more, sometimes in rapid succession, leaving you breathless and disoriented.
And here’s the reassurance I desperately wished to hear from her: it does get easier. It does get better. Wherever you find yourself in your journey, embrace that space, knowing you’re not alone.
For further insights into the journey of motherhood and family-building, consider checking out resources like Mayo Clinic’s guide on intrauterine insemination and explore this article on home insemination kits. For more in-depth discussions on these topics, visit Modern Family Blog.
Summary
This article explores the complex emotions surrounding estrangement from a parent. It delves into feelings of longing, loss, and the evolution of grief, while emphasizing the importance of acknowledging one’s emotions. The author offers reassurance that healing and understanding are possible on this journey.