The first time I dropped off my three children at their father’s house, I found myself in a nearby parking lot, needing a moment to gather my thoughts. I was clearly not in the right state to drive, but I managed to leave without letting them see my emotional breakdown. Their first night with him should be a joyful occasion, not overshadowed by visions of their mother in distress. Their father was thrilled to have them, and my kids were eagerly anticipating the adventure of staying at his new home.
As I sat there watching the snow turn to rain, my mind was consumed with thoughts of breakfast. I contemplated heading to McDonald’s for a sausage biscuit, which, ironically, I ended up not eating. Instead, I sat in my car, cross-legged, lost in thought, staring at random vehicles for an entire hour.
I could have gone back to spend a little more time with them—my ex and I still maintain a friendly relationship. I could have reached out to my best friend, visited my sister or mom, treated myself to a pedicure, or accepted an invitation from an old high school friend for dinner. I even could have gone to catch a movie. Yet, I didn’t do any of those things; I was emotionally drained and felt completely adrift. I sat in my car, weeping over that uneaten sausage biscuit, mourning the family structure we once had. I knew I could survive the next 24 hours without my little ones, but the reality of spending nearly 40% less time with them each week was overwhelming. That realization was both heartbreaking and a wake-up call.
As I drove home, a pivotal thought struck me: I had a choice. I could continue to wallow in sorrow every time I dropped my kids off with their dad, isolating myself and declining social invitations simply because the pain of separation felt insurmountable. Or, I could turn this challenging situation into an opportunity to reconnect with myself.
I chose the latter. This is my new reality—and our new life together. The last thing I want is to be miserable and self-pitying when my kids are away. More importantly, I don’t want them to feel burdened by my sadness while they enjoy precious bonding time with their father. I want them to focus on their fun, not on whether I’m okay.
That said, I still experience moments of sadness. Staying positive during this transition has been a challenge. There have been times when the urge to succumb to self-pity was incredibly strong. However, I’ve learned that it’s possible to miss my children and still embrace joy in their absence. I can long for their presence while making the most of the time I have to myself. It’s been one of the most difficult journeys of my life, yet it has also proven to be immensely beneficial for my healing.
Now, I make it a point to have dinner with friends at least once a week. I’ve caught up on all the movies I wanted to see and indulged in countless pedicures. I’ve also cherished quiet moments alone, doing what I need to cope with this new arrangement. It’s essential to adapt, especially since this shared custody setup will continue until my children are grown.
Did it take time and effort to reach this point? Absolutely. I didn’t magically transform into a beacon of positivity overnight. Still, I was determined to make the most of my time without my kids.
Even a year later, I still feel occasional pangs of sadness. There are nights when I have to push myself to get out of the house and meet friends when all I want to do is stay tucked under the covers. Sometimes I do give in to that urge, but when I choose to go out or have someone over, I always find joy in the decision.
I refuse to let my happiness hinge on whether my kids are with me or not, and they don’t want that either. Kids can sense when a parent is struggling, even if we try to hide our emotions. So, when I pick them up, they often ask about my time apart, and it brings me genuine joy to tell them I had a wonderful time and that I’m glad they’re back.
If you’d like to explore more about family dynamics, check out our post on the couples’ fertility journey. For further insights on home insemination, visit this excellent resource from Mayo Clinic. You can also learn more about shared custody and its emotional impacts in our article here.
In summary, navigating shared custody can be challenging, but it also offers a chance for personal growth and rediscovery. Embracing the time apart can lead to greater fulfillment and happiness, both for you and your children.