As I sat at my ex-mother-in-law’s kitchen table, attempting to feed my son, he stubbornly rejected his carrots, spitting them out defiantly. At just nine months old, he had a penchant for most foods—except for carrots. After observing me for a moment, my mother-in-law stood up, exclaiming, “I don’t understand why you struggle so much. Sleeping was never a problem. Eating was never a problem. My children just did what they were told,” before turning her back to me and starting on the dishes.
I couldn’t help my sarcastic retort, “So they were essentially like little robots? Where can I get one of those?” Her irritation was palpable, and she proceeded to recount how, despite raising four kids in close succession, she managed everything at home while her husband worked. “He never changed a diaper or got up at night; he had to work,” she declared.
This wasn’t new information; I had heard this countless times before. In fact, I could easily interpret her words as a passive-aggressive jab implying, “You expect too much help from my son; you should manage it on your own.” She would often drop these not-so-subtle hints whenever she observed me asking my husband for assistance with the children or when I disagreed with him on any issue. It’s essential to clarify that my husband has always been hands-on with our kids. He didn’t shy away from diaper changes or late-night feedings; that was not the problem.
The core issue lay in the way his mother behaved around his father throughout my ex-husband’s childhood. He often recounted how his mother never questioned his dad, never asserted herself when she had differing opinions, and allowed him to dominate the household. She avoided discussing uncomfortable topics, pretending that everything was perfect when, in reality, it was far from it.
My ex-husband believed in this illusory perfection. He would insist that he had a “perfect” childhood and that his parents enjoyed a “perfect” marriage. This unrealistic image affected our relationship significantly because—surprise!—I was not his mother. Whenever I questioned his decisions or disagreed with him, my assertiveness was perceived as a challenge. He longed for a compliant partner who would maintain the façade of harmony, regardless of any underlying issues.
What I considered to be a healthy expression of my thoughts and feelings was seen as “difficult” behavior through the lens of his mother’s submissive example. She never voiced her own discomfort or opinions, which inadvertently taught him that a wife’s role is simply to accommodate her husband’s desires without expressing her own feelings.
Despite my attempts to highlight how harmful this dynamic was, he never grasped the issue. I often felt a deep sense of empathy for my ex-mother-in-law and pointed out that her silence and self-sacrifice made life significantly more challenging. She deserved better. My ex, however, failed to recognize this reality and believed that avoiding conflict was the proper way to navigate life.
While I acknowledge that I made mistakes during our marriage, I can’t help but attribute some of the issues we faced to my former mother-in-law’s influence. She didn’t directly cause our problems, but she raised a son who believed a wife should be submissive and avoid confronting tough issues. Instead of communicating his dissatisfaction with me, my ex resorted to an affair, thinking it would offer him relief from his inner turmoil.
He is ultimately responsible for his decisions, but I can’t shake the feeling that he struggled to handle my assertiveness because he was conditioned to expect a partner who mirrored his mother’s compliant behavior. Our inability to communicate effectively led to an inevitable divorce.
When entering a partnership, equality is vital. My former mother-in-law’s outlook on marriage did not reflect that, and as a result, my ex-husband couldn’t embrace it either. This wasn’t the sole reason for our marriage’s downfall, but I am determined to model a healthier dynamic for my children. I want my sons to understand that women are not possessions and deserve to be treated as equals, while I want my daughter to see that it’s acceptable to voice her opinions and desires.
Ultimately, I couldn’t suppress my feelings, and my ex-husband struggled with having a true partner. Thus, we parted ways amicably. By striving for equality in relationships, we can foster a healthier future for the next generation. When we know better, we can do better.
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Summary:
In this article, I reflect on how my ex-mother-in-law’s submissive approach to marriage contributed to challenges in my own relationship. Raised in an environment where conflict was avoided and feelings were repressed, my ex-husband struggled to accept my assertiveness, leading to our eventual divorce. I now aim to instill lessons of equality and open communication in my children to foster healthier relationships in their futures.