It’s been over a year since my mother succumbed to leukemia, and the reality of losing her still feels surreal. Just 35 years together seems woefully insufficient. We had to cancel a weekend getaway, requesting our luggage back from the plane, to assist my father in reaching out to family and arranging hospice care for her final days. We vowed to support my dad, ensuring he wouldn’t bear the burden of caring for her alone in those last moments. All her children gathered at the farm she adored to be with her in her final week.
Navigating through this past year without her has been challenging, yet it has imparted lessons I might not have grasped otherwise:
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Discovering My Choices
I’ve always been driven by goals, often finding myself anxious if I wasn’t making progress toward them. As I began to heal from my grief, I realized I had focused too much on work, which left me feeling unfulfilled. Once I acknowledged this, I discovered new opportunities that opened my life to diverse experiences. Instead of clinging to perceived limitations, I found that I simply needed to be willing to explore my options. My personal finances even allowed for a transition, whether it was moving, taking a pay cut, or starting freelancing, but I realized that I had more choices than I initially recognized. -
Embracing Simplicity Amid Complexity
As a writer, I appreciate the intricacies of life and the myriad influences that shape our existence. However, while processing my grief and contemplating my own life’s meaning, I found that complexity often veiled simple desires. I longed for uninterrupted sleep, better health, and meaningful experiences that would leave a lasting impact. Upon examining why these were absent, I recognized that I had been allowing complicated excuses to overshadow my simple needs. By stripping away these complexities, I discovered straightforward solutions. -
Understanding Grief as a Tangible Force
Grief has been like a prism, revealing new dimensions of my family and closest friends while often catching me off guard with emotional waves. The simplest condolences would trigger tears, and for weeks, I felt a profound sense of disconnection. Over time, my grief has taken on a form I can recognize, akin to a box with invisible edges. I can feel its presence, but I also know when to step away and nurture other parts of my life. This duality feels natural, and I’ve come to accept it. -
Valuing Life as a Precious Gift
It may seem like a simple realization, but the truth is more profound than I ever comprehended before my mother passed. Life is indeed a gift, and I’ve come to cherish it even more fiercely. -
Recognizing the Depth of My Mother’s Influence
Much of who I am is a reflection of my mother; her voice, her creativity, and her attention to detail are embedded in me. But through witnessing the grief of my father, aunt, and brother, I’ve discovered the many roles she played in others’ lives. From high school friends to neighbors, her legacy is broad and rich, and I’m grateful to connect with her through their memories. I treasure sharing her life story, even parts I learned after she was gone.
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In summary, my journey through grief has taught me about the importance of recognizing my choices, embracing simplicity, and valuing both my life and the profound influence of my mother.