I’ll always cherish the memory of our wedding day. It was a whirlwind filled with missing flowers, absent bridal party members, and unpredictable weather that swung from pouring rain to bright sunshine. Yet, despite the chaos, there was a profound sense of serenity.
In the midst of the storm, there was you.
As I walked down the aisle, nothing else held significance. You are my anchor; you always have been. But I often find myself questioning if you feel the same way. I wonder if you would still affirm your vows today:
- To have and to hold,
- For better or worse,
- For richer or poorer,
- In sickness and health,
- As long as we both shall live.
Because right now, babe, I’m in a difficult place. These days, I’m not at my best.
You entered this marriage with the understanding that “these days” would arise. You’ve known about my struggles with depression for over 16 years, and yet, facing these challenges remains tough. It doesn’t make it any easier for you to love me or live with me, and for that, I sincerely apologize.
Please understand that I’m not apologizing for having depression; I can’t do that. It’s an illness like any other, out of my control. But I do regret the pain it inflicts on you. I’m sorry for the hurt I’ve caused and how it’s impacted both me and our relationship.
I regret the trips I’ve ruined, the dinner dates I’ve cut short, the family outings I’ve avoided, and the nights I’ve retreated to bed early to sulk in solitude. I apologize for the unprepared meals and dirty dishes cluttering our home and for the intimacy that has faded from our marriage.
I know you’re trying. You just want to hold me, touch me, and share those moments of connection. Yet, when you try, I sometimes tense up, overwhelmed by shame and fear. While I can attribute some of our struggles to medication affecting my libido, the deeper truth is that I often feel undeserving of joy.
In the throes of depression, I don’t believe I’m worthy of happiness.
I apologize for my short temper and for the times my anger has been directed at you. I regret the moments I’ve considered leaving, believing you would be “better off without me.” I’m sorry for pushing you away when all you want is to support and comfort me.
Please know that I love you. My reactions stem not from your actions but are a result of this challenging illness. Depression can be cruel, whispering lies that I’m unworthy, unlovable, and insignificant.
But I promise I’m making an effort. I’m actively seeking help through therapy, adhering to my medication, and doing the necessary work to build myself back up.
So, while I understand that loving me can be difficult—especially now—I ask for your patience and kindness. I hope you’ll continue to listen, even when I don’t make sense. Keep holding me, even when I seem distant. And please forgive me for the sadness, apathy, anger, and disconnect that I experience during these dark times.
I am fighting my battle, motivated by you—my love, my inspiration, my reason for striving to overcome this struggle.
After 10 years, you remain my calm amid the storm. I would gladly renew my vows to you today, and I hope you would too.
This journey is not easy, but together, we will navigate through it.
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Summary
In this heartfelt message, the author expresses profound apologies to her husband for the challenges posed by her depression. She acknowledges the impact of her mental health on their relationship and emphasizes her love and commitment to improvement. Through therapy and medication, she strives to better herself, asking for patience and understanding from her partner as they navigate the ups and downs together.