When my eldest daughter, Mia, returned from kindergarten one day, she casually mentioned that she had sat between two boys, Lucas and Ethan, during lunch. Given Mia’s outgoing nature, it wasn’t surprising that she chose to sit next to boys. However, what struck me as odd was that she was placed between those boys during a time when she could select her lunch companions freely. Curious, I probed a little more.
“That’s cool! Lucas is pretty funny, and Ethan has a knack for making everyone laugh. Was that why you chose to sit with them?” I asked, trying to maintain a neutral tone. Sure, Lucas can crack a few jokes, but they often involve childish antics, and Ethan’s silliness can be disruptive.
Mia replied, adjusting her backpack, “Actually, we had to sit boy-girl-boy-girl, and Mrs. T assigned me to that spot.”
This revelation instantly frustrated me, but I kept my composure. The issue wasn’t about where she sat; it was about the rationale behind Mrs. T’s seating arrangement. My daughter was placed between two rambunctious boys as though it were her duty to temper their behavior — as if this responsibility fell to all girls.
I don’t wish to single out this teacher or educators in general. However, we must acknowledge a troubling societal norm: the expectation that girls are responsible for managing boys’ behavior. Our daughters should not have to bear the weight of our sons’ actions. It’s crucial that boys learn accountability for their behavior, and it’s our role as parents to guide them in this.
We should be more mindful of the language we use. Phrases like:
- “Thank goodness for the girls on the team; they’ll bring some calm energy.”
- “It’s lovely to have some femininity in the room; the girls will soften it up.”
- “Maybe she can set him straight.”
We need to dismantle these notions. It’s not appropriate to place the onus of boys’ behavior on girls, nor should we reinforce the idea that girls must fit into a certain mold while boys are allowed to be wild. This creates an environment where girls may feel they are to blame if a boy acts inappropriately.
By segregating classrooms or adjusting seating based solely on gender, we are incorrectly attributing boys’ misconduct to the presence of girls. This dangerous mindset can lead girls to internalize the idea that their appearance, demeanor, or mere existence could justify being victimized.
Moreover, I want my daughters to embrace their wild, messy, and uninhibited selves. If they are to balance the energies in any space, it should be their own. I want them to experience life fully and love deeply, free from the fear of judgment. Their actions must belong to them alone and should not be about controlling or moderating others.
If we continue to imply that girls exist to manage boys, we devalue their worth. We do a disservice to both girls and boys. It’s vital that we rethink the language and attitudes we convey, even if they seem benign at first glance. We cannot dismiss these issues with a casual “you know what I mean.”
It’s time to recognize that girls were not put on this earth to regulate boys, and boys should not require regulation.
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Summary
The societal expectation that girls should manage boys’ behavior is detrimental to both genders. It’s imperative that we reassess our language and attitudes towards these issues to foster an environment where all children can thrive without the burden of responsibility for others’ actions.