I Sometimes Wish I Didn’t Feel So Essential

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Last weekend, I ventured out of town for three days and four nights, leaving my two young children behind. As I prepared, I felt a mix of excitement and anxiety. I was thrilled to pack my bag with my favorite outfits and beauty products, looking forward to an eight-hour flight where I could immerse myself in a book without the usual interruptions from my two energetic kids.

However, anxiety crept in as my list of instructions for my husband grew longer:

  • Remember to refill the prescription on Thursday, and opt for the 90-day supply.
  • Don’t forget that Friday is coin day at school—send a quarter with Lily!
  • Early pickup day for both kids is tomorrow!
  • I’ve arranged for groceries to be delivered on Saturday at 9 a.m. (already tipped).

The list had already stretched to two pages, and some details felt overly meticulous. “Am I being too intense?” I wondered. But after previous experiences without a detailed guide, which led to frantic phone calls and missed pickups, I knew the necessity of my planning.

As I finished packing my toiletries, I joked with my partner about writing a survival guide for managing our household in my absence. “God forbid something happen to me,” I quipped. “The toilet paper would reach the ceiling!” He chuckled in response, “Sure, but we’d manage.”

Yet, despite the laughter, a feeling of guilt started to bubble up. Why was I relishing this getaway as if it was a prison break? What kind of mother feels relief from spending time away from her kids?

But it wasn’t my children I was eager to escape. Even on the toughest days, I cherish being their mother. The weight I felt lifting was not about them; it was the burden of being so deeply needed.

Given my partner’s demanding job, I naturally assume the role of default parent. I know the names of the pediatrician’s staff, I manage our family’s prescriptions, and I keep track of school events and deadlines. When I plan a trip, I’m acutely aware that I must leave behind extensive instructions to ensure everything runs smoothly.

This realization—that my family struggles to function without me—speaks volumes about my role in their lives. While I embrace motherhood wholeheartedly, it can feel overwhelming at times.

Mothers, it’s perfectly okay to love our children fiercely while also wishing we weren’t needed so intensely. We can adore our families and still feel the weight of their dependency. Acknowledging that extreme level of necessity can sometimes feel suffocating is valid.

Being the go-to person for everything can be exhausting. Right? It certainly wears me out. I don’t have a simple solution to feeling less “needed” because, truthfully, we all want to be essential to our children. However, we also require time to recharge—whether that’s a weekend with friends or a moment of solitude.

I love my kids, my family, and my life, yet I still find myself wishing, at times, that I wasn’t so indispensable. Acknowledging that desire doesn’t make me a bad person; it makes me honest.

For more insights on navigating the complexities of parenthood, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and explore home insemination options for those considering this route. Additionally, for a deeper dive into the mental load many parents carry, visit Modern Family Blog for expert advice.

Summary:

In this reflective piece, Jessica Lane explores the complex feelings of motherhood, particularly the desire for autonomy amidst the demands of parenting. She articulates the balance between loving her children and the overwhelming weight of being an essential figure in their lives. Recognizing the need for personal time and space, she embraces the honesty of these feelings and encourages other mothers to do the same.