One of the most valuable pieces of advice I received as a new mom came from a coworker shortly after I returned to the office following maternity leave with my twins. “You’ll always have to give something up,” she said. “You can’t pour 100% into family, work, and friendships all at once. It’s about finding comfort in giving about 75% to each.”
This sentiment underscores the reality that striving for “having it all” is inherently flawed—it’s simply not feasible. No matter how hard we push ourselves, something eventually falls by the wayside. In my experience, that casualty was my health.
The concept of “having it all” varies from person to person, which only adds to its unattainability. For me, it meant maintaining a polished appearance, keeping a pristine home, raising well-mannered children, and excelling in my career. After my twins arrived, I tried to jump back into my pre-baby perfectionist routine. Friends suggested I catch some sleep while they napped, but I’ve always struggled to doze off unless it was nighttime. Instead, I found myself washing bottles, tackling laundry, and cleaning the kitchen while the babies slept. Once they were awake and fed, I’d take them on long walks, giving them fresh air and helping me shed some of the baby weight—a double victory.
Except it wasn’t.
Just two months in, I hit a wall. While preparing bottles, an overwhelming wave of nausea, dizziness, and panic washed over me. The room spun, and my legs felt weak. Thus began a new chapter of my life, characterized by anxiety and physical symptoms that led me to fear for my heart and mind.
I’ve battled generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks for most of my life. After years of therapy and medication, I had managed to keep my anxiety at bay. However, the symptoms I experienced postpartum were far more intense than before, and some were entirely new.
Despite the warning signs, I pressed on. I returned to work, waking at 5 a.m., arriving at the office by 7:30 a.m., pumping several times throughout the day, working through lunch, and then rushing home to switch into “mommy mode” for the evening. I often found myself on the brink of fainting during meetings and, more alarmingly, while caring for my children.
Eventually, I recognized the need to seek medical advice and make significant lifestyle changes. After eight months, five different doctors, two MRIs, one CT scan, 30 days of wearing a heart monitor, and a battery of tests, I was relieved to discover that I was physically healthy. Now, my focus is on maintaining that health.
I’ve resumed therapy, made it a priority to take lunch breaks, and even carved out time for some yoga classes. Writing again has reignited a spark of my former self. I find solace in prayer and, most importantly, I’m learning to give myself grace. I celebrate the small victories at home and work, and I challenge myself to find humor in the chaotic days filled with cranky, sleepless babies. I’ve developed a newfound appreciation for the messiness of life.
Through this journey, I’ve realized I don’t actually desire to have it all. I don’t need perfectly behaved children; I want them to be respectful yet assertive, to express their feelings and exhibit curiosity. As for a picture-perfect home, while lovely, it demands a lot of time and resources that I’d rather invest in creating unforgettable memories.
Though my anxiety still lingers, I’m optimistic about its gradual decline. Now, when someone labels me a “super mom” or comments on how “together” I appear, I take it as a gentle reminder to pause. I reflect on whether I’m pushing myself too hard.
I hope that one day, the pursuit of “having it all” becomes less of a societal expectation for mothers. And when we encounter someone who seems to have it all figured out, let’s take a moment to dig deeper, ensuring they aren’t overexerting themselves in pursuit of an unrealistic ideal. Let’s help them recognize that they already possess everything they truly need.
For those interested in starting their own family journey, resources like the ACOG site can provide valuable information. And if you’re considering home insemination, check out our guide on the Inseminator Kit for helpful tips. You can also find more insights on this topic from Modern Family Blog, which serves as an authority in parenting discussions.
Summary
The pursuit of “having it all” can take a toll on our health and well-being. It’s essential to acknowledge that perfection is unattainable and that compromises are necessary. Embracing the chaos of motherhood and prioritizing self-care can lead to a more fulfilling life.