As autumn leaves danced around my vehicle, a gentle November breeze swayed the nearly bare branches lining the road. During my commute, I absorbed an enlightening discussion from NPR. Renowned director and writer Kenneth Lonergan shared profound insights on the theme of loss and human response. He emphasized a crucial distinction: moving on is starkly different from moving forward.
To move on from a loss can often feel less appealing than to move forward. Moving on suggests that one has erased the memory of the loss, the grief, and the sorrow. It implies that the significance of the loss has diminished, even when it perhaps should still weigh heavily on one’s heart. This notion hints at a return to “normalcy,” as if everything will revert to what it once was. However, the reality of experiencing loss is far more complex.
The most significant loss in my life occurred when I was 30. Expecting my first child, my partner and I were filled with joy and anticipation. Little did we know that happiness isn’t always the ultimate destination. Sometimes, pregnancies face complications. Instead of excitement for the future, overwhelming dread and heartache can take their place, a dismay so profound that it feels like an ice pick piercing through a glacier.
When Amelia was born at 21 weeks, she lived for just over an hour. We cherished every fleeting moment together, marveling at her delicate features, tiny fingers, and soft breaths. The moment she arrived into this world marked the end of our pregnancy, yet we didn’t simply move on. We moved forward—with Amelia, in that hospital room, as a family of three.
In the days that followed her passing, we faced difficult decisions: cremation or burial, crafting an obituary, selecting an urn for Amelia’s resting place. As we fought through tears and sometimes succumbed to deep sobs, we carried our grief with us. We embraced the love we held for our daughter and supported one another through the darkest days of our lives. All the while, we brought Amelia along with us, determined to push forward.
Life continued around us. Work responsibilities piled up, household chores demanded attention, and our ever-enthusiastic dog begged for playtime. The weight of sadness often overshadowed our ability to experience joy. Memories of a time before we knew such profound loss felt like distant echoes, lost amidst the roaring waves of sorrow. Yet, as we navigated our daily routines, we fought to rediscover ourselves and sought meaning amidst the grief. Balancing our sorrow with a glimmer of hope, we focused on the possibility of feeling less sad in the future, which helped us move forward.
Amelia’s urn rests on our dresser, safeguarded in a velvet box. Each night, her doll-sized basket is placed nearby. In the months following her death, my sister created a memory book filled with the only tangible reminders of a pregnancy that took a tragic turn. A silver ring on my right hand bears the birthstones of all four of our children: Amelia, two others who did not survive beyond the first trimester, and our joyful rainbow baby, Lily. Each morning, my partner fastens a silver chain around his neck, adorned with dog tags engraved with the tiny footprints of both Amelia and Lily. At night, he gently places it on the nightstand, where it remains close.
Our jewelry often captivates our observant toddler. As she plays with the shiny stones and tugs at the delicate links, we share stories of her big sister. We tell her of Amelia’s love and how she watches over her little sister, serving as a guardian angel.
Life marches on, with or without our consent; we choose to persevere alongside it. We continue to work, prepare meals, pack diaper bags, tend to yard work, and celebrate holidays. Through this journey, we carry our grief alongside our cherished memories. While the emotional baggage of grief has transformed from a bulky suitcase to a manageable carry-on, it remains a constant companion.
Most days, thoughts of Amelia fill my heart with warmth, yet there are moments when triggers unleash a torrent of tears. Certain phrases resonate deeply, stirring emotions I never anticipated experiencing. As I carry her memory through life, my empathy has flourished. Moving forward means finding a way for our evolving lives and Amelia to coexist harmoniously. It allows us to embrace a world where both happiness and heartache can thrive, ultimately enriching our emotional landscape.
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Summary:
The journey after a loss is profoundly different from simply moving on; it involves moving forward while carrying the weight of grief and cherished memories. This personal narrative explores the author’s experience with loss, highlighting the importance of honoring those we’ve lost while finding ways to coexist with our evolving lives.