As a single mother, I once made the tough decision to step back from my adult child during a challenging time. Did I feel guilty? Absolutely. But in hindsight, I realize that my feelings of guilt stemmed more from my own issues than from our relationship. My son and I are on solid ground, and it’s time for me to let go of the unnecessary emotional baggage.
To provide some context, my son recently faced a significant setback while dancing, resulting in a severe ankle injury that required surgery—complete with metal plates and screws. The surgery was delayed, leaving him in agonizing pain for days. Yet, with his characteristic optimism, he managed to share humorous stories on social media, highlighting the silver linings in this unexpected journey. We firmly believe that “Everything Happens for a Reason,” a motto we both cherish.
The day after his accident, he reached out, saying, “I need my mom!” He invited me to spend the day with him, and I immediately dropped everything to be there. I brought his favorite snacks, comfort items, and dove into caregiving mode—cooking, cleaning, and attending to his every need. I thought this was how I expressed love, but halfway through the day, he gently reminded me, “You don’t have to clean.”
This made me reflect on his childhood; I had always assumed his love language was acts of service, just like mine. However, a Love Languages quiz taken during his senior year revealed that quality time was his primary love language. I realized he wasn’t looking for a caregiver; he wanted a companion during his recovery.
When the day of his surgery came, he insisted on going home the same day. While I was worried, he made it clear that his needs should not be my burden. “Put your oxygen mask on first, Mom,” he advised, reminding me that self-care is crucial. I took his advice to heart and left the hospital to recharge—something I hadn’t done since his injury.
Yet, guilt still lingers. Growing up with certain beliefs can creep back in, especially when I share my need for self-care. I often find myself feeling selfish for prioritizing my own well-being, despite knowing that if I don’t take care of myself, I can’t care for others effectively. It’s time to dismiss the guilt that comes from outdated beliefs about motherhood being synonymous with martyrdom.
We must challenge the idea that a mother’s worth is tied to her self-sacrifice. This outdated model can lead to unhappiness and resentment, ultimately affecting everyone in the family. We all understand that a content mother fosters a harmonious household.
Moreover, it takes a community to raise a child. I acknowledge that I couldn’t have navigated this journey without support from friends and family. However, as a giver, I often struggle to ask for help. It’s essential to remember that asking for assistance doesn’t equate to failure; it’s a necessary part of maintaining balance in life. If we don’t voice our needs, we can’t expect others to step in.
Most importantly, we need to silence the negative self-talk that tells us we’re never doing enough. We all do the best we can with what we have, and that is more than sufficient. My son and I are doing well, and that’s what truly matters.
Let’s embrace motherhood for what it is—a journey filled with love, support, and mutual respect, not a life of servitude. Together, we can dance through the challenges that come our way.
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