I have to say, I really dislike the term “mixed-weight couple.” Recently, I noticed a lot of buzz about a new TLC show called “Hot and Heavy.” The press release claims it follows three couples “determined to prove to their skeptical friends, family, and the public that love is love no matter what you look like.” I tuned in for the first three episodes, and honestly, it’s a big fat no from me.
Now, to be fair, the show is pretty much what you’d expect given its title, previews, and network. It delivers on its promise. However, the behavior of many of the men is less than stellar, and some scenes feel borderline exploitative. The participants chose to let cameras into their lives, and that’s their prerogative. If TLC’s typical content appeals to you, then you may enjoy this show.
But the more I ponder it, the more issues I uncover. The first glaring problem is that in each couple, the slim male partner is clearly positioned as the “hot” one, while the heavier female partner is labeled as the “heavy.” Seriously? In 2020, why are we still perpetuating this kind of narrative? Couldn’t they find a heavier guy with a thinner partner, or any couple configuration beyond the standard cis thin guy and cis fat woman? I just can’t support that.
Also, I don’t connect with the concept of “mixed-weight couples.” I’ve heard the term before, and while some might resonate with it, I find it lacks relevance to my own marriage. There’s no label I would prefer over this one. I don’t want anyone to define us by our body sizes. The idea that my husband and I face our different bodies as some sort of hurdle to our love is simply not true—my body is never a problem for us.
Moreover, adopting the label “mixed-weight couple” feels disingenuous. Sure, I’m fat and he isn’t, and sometimes people can be rude about it. But at the end of the day, we are two straight, cisgender, white, middle-class Americans. We benefit from immense privilege, and our similarities often offer us more protection than our differing body sizes bring us grief.
Couples of different races and LGBTQIA+ couples have faced real violence and legal struggles simply for being in love in public. Interracial couples couldn’t marry everywhere in the U.S. until 1967, and marriage equality for LGBTQIA+ couples wasn’t recognized until 2015. There’s never been a law against “fat/thin marriage,” and I’ve never felt unsafe because of my relationship. I refuse to align my experiences with those of marginalized groups that I haven’t lived through. No thanks—everything is not about me.
What also frustrates me is how often the term “mixed-weight couple” applies to pairs featuring a fat woman and a thin man, while society seems more accepting of fat men dating thinner women or even fat couples together. It occurs to me that if my husband were to gain weight and I lost some, we’d likely become invisible in public. No one would bat an eye because fat men with thin partners don’t register as noteworthy.
Of course, body size pressures affect everyone; no one is immune to unrealistic expectations. However, women face more intense scrutiny, especially regarding weight. The societal pressure to be thin is immense, and women are often expected to conform to an ideal that doesn’t even consider the value of their worth beyond their appearance.
I used to subscribe to this notion myself. I found validation in my husband’s size; being with him made me feel more acceptable, as if his conventional attractiveness made my body somehow less problematic. Looking back, I’m embarrassed to admit that I believed this. But that kind of self-hatred is rooted in societal lies that continue to plague fat women today.
In retrospect, I did feel like we were a “mixed-weight couple,” and my insecurity was a defining element of my life. But I’ve since moved beyond that apologetic mindset. I’m comfortable taking up space now, and I reject the notion that my husband’s attraction to me defines my desirability. Our relationship is ordinary, and our body sizes are largely irrelevant to our happiness.
The label “mixed-weight couple” does not serve either of us. It doesn’t contribute to my pursuit of body acceptance, nor does it enhance our lives. Therefore, it’s not a label we’re willing to adopt. Feel free to identify your relationship however you wish, but please don’t categorize us as a mixed-weight couple. We aren’t taking that one on.
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Summary:
In this commentary, I express my distaste for the term “mixed-weight couple” and share my observations on TLC’s “Hot and Heavy.” While the show aims to highlight love across body sizes, it perpetuates stereotypes by portraying the slim male partner as the “hot” one. I discuss the privileges I share with my husband, how societal expectations skew perceptions of body size in relationships, and how I’ve moved beyond internalized fatphobia. Ultimately, I reject the label as it doesn’t reflect the essence of our relationship.
Keyphrase: “mixed-weight couple”
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