By: Michelle Carter
I didn’t set out to wait until I was 40 to tie the knot; it just happened that way. When I was 22, a boyfriend proposed, but I wasn’t interested in marriage at that age. I craved independence and wanted to prove to myself that I could thrive on my own. So, I chose to wait.
The right partner didn’t enter my life during my 20s or most of my 30s—either they weren’t the right fit for me, or I wasn’t the right fit for them. I was indifferent about having children; I hadn’t outright dismissed the idea, but I wasn’t eager to become a parent either.
As I entered my 30s, I started to worry about being alone forever. I didn’t want that, but it felt like a real possibility. I continued to date with the hope of finding love and eventually got involved with someone I’ll refer to as Jake. I was financially secure and wanted a partner who was equally stable. He was a decent guy, and after a year of dating, I convinced myself that I loved him. We had a comfortable life together, which I mistook for enough. But I ignored several glaring signs that our marriage would falter.
Differences in Values
For starters, I am a woman of color with progressive views, while Jake identified as a white Republican. It’s not that I can’t have friends with differing political beliefs, but Jake often quoted conservative commentators who had troubling views. He even admired individuals like Larry Elder, which I found perplexing and concerning. When I attempted to explain why I felt that support for certain conservative ideologies was detrimental to marginalized communities, he simply didn’t grasp my perspective. I convinced myself that these disagreements didn’t matter in the grand scheme of our relationship. I stayed.
Race wasn’t the only contentious issue. When Michael Brown was killed by police in Ferguson, Jake asked me why he didn’t just comply with the officer’s commands. I tried to explain the historical context of policing in America and how it relates to the systemic oppression of Black individuals. Jake shrugged it off and reiterated his confusion. I let it slide, but I shouldn’t have.
Other Red Flags
There were other differences that should have raised alarm bells. I love to cook, while Jake struggled to even boil water. I had been in relationships with men who believed cooking was “women’s work,” and I didn’t tolerate that. Jake never explicitly said cooking was beneath him, but he showed no enthusiasm when asked to help. Despite my family’s tradition of men being excellent cooks, Jake would half-heartedly attempt to follow recipes, usually leading to culinary disasters. Eventually, I took over all cooking, and I suspect that was his plan all along.
I began traveling solo in my mid-30s and dreamed of making it an annual tradition. However, after we married, every time I mentioned travel, Jake insisted we couldn’t afford it—a clear untruth. When I asked about exploring outside the U.S., he preferred to visit places domestically, but we ended up taking zero trips together during our nearly eight years as a couple. I didn’t travel again until after our divorce.
Intimacy Issues
Let’s not forget intimacy. Before meeting Jake, my experiences in the bedroom had been fulfilling and adventurous. With him, it was a different story. He enjoyed sex but lacked imagination, sticking to a routine that left me feeling unfulfilled. Despite discussions about our preferences, he remained set in his ways, leading to my frustration. I eventually stopped being intimate with him entirely, opting for a vibrator instead.
Jake’s relationship with his mother also presented red flags. He shared childhood stories that revealed neglect and a lack of care. While I didn’t dislike her, it made me protective of him and shocked at how he had been raised. He resented her, but the issues from his upbringing were never addressed.
The Breaking Point
Ultimately, we divorced, and I moved on. The breaking point? His dismissive attitude toward racism. If he didn’t believe in systemic racism, how could he support me or understand the pain I experienced? The countless stories I shared about racism went unacknowledged. I should’ve recognized that this indicated a lack of support for me and my community.
The issues in our sex life were merely symptoms of deeper communication problems. We weren’t truly connected, and I felt isolated and unrecognized. I realized that love was absent from our relationship, and that was a deal-breaker.
Lessons Learned
In hindsight, I’ve learned that waiting for “the one” doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. Knowing yourself and what you truly need in a partner is essential.
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Summary
Waiting until later in life to marry comes with its own challenges. My experience with a partner whose values clashed with mine ultimately led to a divorce. Recognizing these red flags early on could have saved me time and heartache. Understanding one’s own needs and values is crucial when seeking a partner.
Keyphrase: “divorce after 40”
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