It was just a few months after my wife, Sarah, and I tied the knot when she broached the topic of starting a family. It was early 2005, and we were living in a cozy two-bedroom apartment in Salt Lake City. While we had casually discussed the idea during our dating years—imagining what our future child might look like or their personality traits—those conversations felt more like daydreams than realities.
Once we got married, the idea started to feel more tangible. To be honest, I had always harbored mixed emotions about parenthood. It wasn’t that I didn’t want kids; rather, I feared the additional stress they might bring. Living with generalized anxiety means that managing stress is crucial. You often find yourself in a constant state of unease, feeling an inexplicable urge to flee from something, even if you can’t pinpoint what that something is.
“I think we should start trying,” Sarah suggested one evening while we were preparing dinner together.
“Trying for what?” I replied, confused.
“To have a baby,” she clarified.
“Whoa, hold on,” I said, feeling a surge of anxiety. “I think we should take a step back.”
She pressed me for reasons why we should wait. “We love each other, don’t we? We’re married; why delay?”
While I agreed with her logic, I expressed the need to adjust to married life first. We should save money, build stability, and prepare ourselves. Deep down, my reluctance stemmed from my panic attacks, especially during the night. The thought of Sarah going into labor at an inopportune hour filled me with dread. I envisioned sleepless nights with a newborn, and how that sleep deprivation could exacerbate my anxiety. Though my fears may have seemed irrational, they were part and parcel of living with generalized anxiety.
Prior to getting married, I had spent three years finding the right balance of medication, exercise, and meditation to manage my anxiety. I worried that having a child could unravel the progress I had made. Was I truly strong enough to take on the responsibility of fatherhood? It felt like a leap of faith.
Fast forward ten years and three kids later, I’ve come to realize that those initial leaps were just the beginning. Parenting with anxiety involves mustering the courage to be present for your children, even when you’re gripped by an irrational sense of dread. It’s about facing your fears, pushing through them, and seeking solace from your partner.
It also means adding a host of new worries to your already overflowing list. Yet, paradoxically, it brings distractions that keep you so occupied that you don’t dwell on your anxieties as much. There are moments when the weight of your responsibilities feels overwhelming—your job, your home, your kids—and you just need to step back and collect yourself.
However, there are also those magical instances when a small child crawls into your lap, snuggling against you in a way that soothes your anxiety and reminds you why you chose this path in the first place.
One such moment happened shortly after my son, Oliver, was born. One night, when he was just a month old, Sarah woke me up at 2 a.m. for my turn with the baby. Normally, I would have taken my anxiety medication and turned on the TV to help me cope. But this time was different.
I found myself in the kitchen, cradling my son in my arms. The only light came from the adjacent room, where the television flickered. As I held Oliver, wrapped in a blanket adorned with adorable elephants, I couldn’t help but reflect on my fears. I realized that my life, my anxiety, and everything I had been through paled in comparison to the responsibility I had to care for this child.
In that moment, I whispered to myself, “I won’t let this define me. I must be there for Oliver.” I repeated this mantra until it became a comforting thought in my mind. For the first time, I felt empowered by my role as a father.
Looking ahead, there are still times when anxiety rears its head, and I continue to work with my healthcare provider to manage my symptoms. Yet, I find strength in knowing that my love for my children often outweighs my fears. Each time I encounter anxiety, I remind myself of my responsibilities as a parent, and the empowerment that comes from that obligation.
Parenting with generalized anxiety disorder is a balancing act of love and fear, but the bonds I share with my kids make it all worthwhile. It’s a journey filled with challenges, but also with immeasurable rewards.
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Summary
Parenting with generalized anxiety disorder is a complex journey filled with fears and joys. While the weight of responsibility can be overwhelming, the love and bonds formed with children often provide the strength to overcome anxiety. It’s a balancing act that ultimately highlights the transformative power of parenthood.