Parenting
By Jessica Lane
Updated: July 2, 2020
Originally Published: May 1, 2017
My daughter is about to celebrate her second birthday next month. When my son was nearing his second birthday, I was at my peak fitness level. I was working out consistently, sometimes even twice a day, purely because it felt invigorating and enjoyable. My diet was balanced, with the occasional treat. Before becoming a mom, my lifestyle wasn’t particularly active or healthy.
After my son arrived, I experienced cycles of dieting and exercising, managing to shed some of the 50 pounds I gained during my first pregnancy. Everything fell into place perfectly when he reached 18 months, and I finally felt like I was regaining my confidence. On his second birthday, I took a pregnancy test. My husband and I had just begun trying for another child, and I discovered I was already two weeks pregnant.
Initially, we envisioned spacing our children two to three years apart, planning to have a second child as soon as the first was out of diapers. Yet here we are now, eager for a third, but I’ve decided to postpone pregnancy for at least another year because I haven’t lost the weight from my second pregnancy. The truth is, I haven’t lost any of it.
Some may view this as superficial, and I can understand that perspective. But for me, it’s crucial. I long for the way I looked and felt when my son was a toddler. Even post-baby, I felt more at ease in my body than I ever did before having kids. I’ve never embraced body positivity, nor have I had a healthy relationship with food—except during that phase when my son was small, and I discovered a routine that aligned with our family life.
I don’t want to create more obstacles between myself and a goal that has already proven challenging to achieve. I gained 40 pounds during my last pregnancy. In the past two years, I’ve lost some weight only to regain it repeatedly. My biggest struggle has been prioritizing my health while managing a household and two kids. There’s certainly time in my day, and I can change my habits, but the to-do list is overwhelming—errands, work, chores, playtime with the kids, and meal prep all take precedence. I often find myself last on that list.
This time around has been different in several ways. I was running regularly, eating better, and feeling great until I had a fall down the stairs that left me with a painful hematoma on my hip. Suddenly, running was out of the question, and grocery shopping became a struggle. Following that, I started experiencing frequent migraines. I would establish a routine, only for a migraine to derail my progress for days. The cycle of starting and stopping has been disheartening.
Energy is another factor. I often feel fatigued, but regular exercise boosts my energy levels—a catch-22. Food also plays a role. Using food as a source of comfort during stressful times is an easy trap to fall into. After a tough day, I might indulge in junk food, only to resolve to do better the next day—yet that next day keeps getting pushed back.
I refuse to become pregnant again until I’ve lost this weight and maintained that loss long enough to feel confident about avoiding old habits. Right now, when I look in the mirror, the reflection I see is not one I’m proud of. She looks defeated and frustrated, and I don’t want to feel this way in my body again, let alone feel worse by becoming pregnant right now.
Both my husband and I want another child. I’m ready to expand our family in so many aspects of life. It’s incredibly frustrating to feel that my weight is the barrier preventing me from pursuing something I genuinely desire. Prioritizing myself—making it a top priority—is challenging, but it’s essential. I’m slowly easing back into a routine and being extra cautious on stairs. I want to look in the mirror and recognize myself again. And while I’m eager to start our baby-making journey again, that time is not now.
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In summary, I’ve chosen to focus on my health and well-being before embarking on the journey to add to our family. It’s a decision rooted in self-care, and while it’s hard, I know it’s the right choice for me.