When I shared the news about my divorce, the most common reaction was, “But you two were such a wonderful couple!” Each time I heard that, it made my stomach churn. How could anyone truly understand our relationship from the outside? And why is it assumed that divorced individuals can’t also be good people? Why can’t we thrive separately as we did together?
I consider myself fortunate because I can genuinely say my ex, Tom, is a good man. I understand why others found us appealing as a couple. We brought joy and laughter into our friends’ lives. People appreciated our authenticity and the fun we brought to gatherings. We radiated positivity and were easy to connect with.
Yet, when the festivities ended and it was just the two of us, we drifted into our own corners of the house. We pursued personal dreams that felt worlds apart. Tom was focused on financial success, while my aspirations were more heart-centered. I sought spiritual growth; he wasn’t interested in exploring that aspect of himself.
Sundays were reserved for his football obsession, which typically meant I was on kid duty. If I wasn’t occupied with them, I sneaked away to write, my true passion. I tried to engage with sports for his sake, donning jerseys and attending games, believing that’s what a supportive partner does. But sports were his domain, not mine. Writing, however, was my sanctuary, yet I often felt unsupported until I finally began earning from it—a realization that stung more than I anticipated.
Our disconnect grew. Initially, the notion that “opposites attract” seemed valid, but that spark faded. We increasingly struggled to find common interests and became like ships passing in the night. Our shared joys revolved around our children and friends. While we were happy in those contexts for a time, nothing lasts if it isn’t nurtured. Our marriage was no exception.
We were indeed “good people,” two wonderful individuals, but being good together was a different story. From a distance, we looked like a well-oiled machine, excelling at life while ignoring our deeper needs. Nonetheless, we are not robots; we are human beings, and our needs evolved. Eventually, we recognized that we both deserved happiness.
I know I am a good person. I’ve never doubted my worth. However, when I chose to leave my marriage, some labeled me negatively. Within that union, I was the reliable friend, the go-to therapist, and the dependable support for others. People admired my ability to balance grad school, work, volunteer commitments, and a happy household. I had more “friends” than I could count.
But once I announced my separation, many of those same friends vanished. They were quick to turn their backs, despite having previously claimed they couldn’t imagine life without me. The term “bestie” seemed to have a shelf life. I was met with shame and isolation from those I had supported through their own struggles, simply because two good people chose to part ways.
Just because individuals are good doesn’t make a breakup easier. In fact, some might argue it complicates matters, as there’s no one to blame or direct anger toward. It’s simply the end. Navigating the emotions that arise from separating from someone good is maddening. The confusion can lead to doubts about whether to return to a lackluster existence. At times, it felt easier to stay in a familiar but unfulfilling routine. But deep down, we both knew that wouldn’t bring us true happiness.
And that’s perfectly okay. We continue to be loving parents to our beautiful children and supportive friends to one another, managing our family with care. We remain good people—good then and good now.
If I could share one piece of advice with someone embarking on a similar path, it would be this: “No matter what others say about you, never let their words define your goodness as you move forward.” Remember, no one knows your story or your marriage quite like you do.
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Summary:
Sometimes, two good people simply aren’t compatible, despite how it may appear to others. Their individual paths may diverge, leading to a happier existence apart. It’s essential to recognize one’s own worth and remain true to oneself, even in the face of societal judgment. Acknowledging the complexities of relationships allows for personal growth and the possibility of a fulfilling life, both as individuals and co-parents.
Keyphrase: Two good people not good together
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