Feb. 27, 2023
Oh my goodness, look at that adorable baby! And that one! Wait, is that a baby I can just tuck into my purse and take home? Lately, I can’t shake this intense feeling of wanting a baby. I find myself daydreaming about pregnancy, labor, and those sleepless nights filled with sweet little giggles. Yes, everything baby-related has become utterly captivating to me. It’s as if my mind has conveniently erased all memories of the challenges that accompany caring for an infant, leaving only the pure joy of holding a tiny bundle of joy. I want to experience that again and savor every moment with a new little darling.
At 40, it might seem odd to have these emotions. Honestly, I thought this yearning would pass quickly. Back when I turned 39, I figured that my desire for one last child would fade away. Instead, the urge to welcome another little one has intensified, almost as if it has become a permanent fixture in my life.
I may need to accept that my dreams of cradling an infant may never come true again, but that doesn’t extinguish my maternal instincts. So why is this feeling so strong right now? Let’s break it down:
I’m Finally Ready for Motherhood
Sure, I know I did a decent job as a mom before; my kids are alive, healthy, and kind-hearted. But let’s be real—I was just 24 when my first pregnancy test showed two lines. Just a few years before that, I was enjoying carefree nights at bars, living a life that felt shallow and uninformed. Back then, I was focused on myself, oblivious to the sacrifices that parenthood demands. I wanted to be the fun college girl rather than a responsible mother.
Now, life has taught me valuable lessons. My priorities have shifted, and I’ve learned to be more selfless and compassionate. The challenges I’ve faced have helped me grow into a better person and a more understanding mother. Naturally, this makes me want to try my hand at motherhood again, but this time with greater wisdom.
Longing for Full-Time Mom Status
Since my divorce, my kids are only with me half the time. While our arrangement works as well as it can in a broken family, I often feel a sense of loss. In the hospital with my newborns, I envisioned a future where they would be with me every night for 18 years. Now, with divorce, I’ve come to terms with missed moments and milestones. I can’t help but fantasize about having another child who would be with me full-time.
Embracing Self-Love
For much of my life, I struggled with self-esteem and often doubted my choices. After a lot of introspection, I finally love myself and feel ready to embrace motherhood again confidently. In the past, I often deferred decision-making to my children’s father, unsure of my capabilities. Now, I want to be unapologetically myself as a mother.
Although I know I likely won’t have a fourth child, I find joy in imagining what life might be like with a baby. I picture little Lily (yes, I named her) in her bassinet beside me. Of course, my fantasies gloss over the realities of sleepless nights and messy diapers, but there’s something bittersweet about this longing.
I recognize this as part of my midlife awareness, understanding that some opportunities might slip through my fingers. I can reflect on my journey with gratitude for my three beautiful children and empathize with women yearning for motherhood who face different challenges. The mind can play tricks, so I must be cautious not to dwell too much in the realm of wishes and dreams. What matters most is living in the moment.
Each day, I wake up to the sounds of sibling rivalries and morning chaos, counting my blessings. I can choose to daydream about motherhood done differently or be the best mom I can be to my three wonderful kids, treating each day like a precious gift.
So, while I may yearn for another child, I’m reminded to embrace the present and cherish the family I already have. Remember, there’s always the possibility of grandmotherhood in the future!
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