Since I was a child, I’ve grappled with issues of self-worth. People often say I’m my own worst critic, and if I truly recognized all that I’ve overcome, I’d be much more gentle with myself.
Admittedly, I have a tendency to get sucked into the world of social media, which only exacerbates my insecurities. It’s a relentless cycle of comparisons. “She’s fitter. She’s more attractive. She seems to have it all together. She’s exceptionally talented. She earns more. She’s more popular. She’s funnier…” The list goes on. I could easily attribute this mindset to my tumultuous upbringing or the negative remarks I’ve received over the years. However, the real power lies in my hands—how I perceive myself is ultimately my choice, even though it often feels overwhelming.
My go-to mantra of “Actually, I can” sometimes morphs into a voice of doubt: “Who am I kidding?” Now at 46, I find myself with a daughter who faces similar struggles. I recognize that I have played a significant role in this, as she’s grown up witnessing my harsh self-talk regarding my looks, failures, and flaws.
About a year ago, she made the decision to delete her social media accounts, weary of the comparison trap that ensnared her. It was a battle I still fight, yet she took action to reclaim her mental health. This decision earned her my deep respect.
Recently, my step-son had a beautiful wedding, and when the photos came in, instead of celebrating, I fell into a spiral of self-criticism. My daughter watched as I berated myself: “Oh no, my hair looks awful. I look so heavy. I’m so pale. What was I thinking with that outfit?” Before I knew it, she echoed my sentiments, albeit without the mention of my figure.
She observes everything. When she sees me being negative about my body, I inadvertently teach her that it’s acceptable to feel the same way about herself. But then she surprised me with a challenge. From that moment on, every time I belittled myself, she would do the same to herself.
Challenge accepted! There was no way I would allow her to engage in self-criticism. It’s funny how that works. However, quicker than a headline about a celebrity scandal, I failed the challenge. Resetting my mindset, especially after decades of self-deprecation, is no easy feat.
I struggle with living in the moment. Positive self-talk seems foreign, and maintaining any sort of spiritual life is a challenge. I dislike revamping my thought patterns. It demands effort, and I often take the lazy route when it comes to self-care. Yet, I realize that it’s essential to protect myself from sinking deeper into a pit of worthlessness. While I find it difficult, I’m working on filtering my negative thoughts before they escape my lips, learning to treat myself with more kindness.
It may take decades to peel away the layers of negative self-worth, but who’s counting? Each layer removed brings me closer to uncovering my true self.
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