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Parenting
By Emily Hart
My 6-year-old daughter, Lily, recently attended her very first baby shower, where a family friend is eagerly anticipating the arrival of a baby girl. The event welcomed children, much to Lily’s excitement. She was enchanted by the delightful pink decorations and the candy buffet. On our drive home, she had a series of questions for me.
“Mommy, if someone has another baby next year, can they have another shower?” she asked.
“I believe so. Every new baby deserves a celebration,” I replied. “Besides, I’m always on board for cake!”
“Are you going to have more babies, Mommy?” she inquired next.
I explained that I wasn’t planning on having more children. Moments later, she began to imagine her own future family.
“I don’t mind if I have a boy or a girl. I just want a healthy baby,” she stated.
I realized I had echoed those same words countless times during my own pregnancies. When asked about my preference for a boy or girl, I would default to the safe answer of “as long as it’s healthy,” without reflecting on the weight of those words. It was the socially acceptable response.
Hearing my daughter say it struck me differently. It sounded odd coming from her, and it prompted me to consider the implications of that phrase. We often say it without thinking, wishing to avoid the appearance of favoritism. But what if I had a boy and openly expressed a desire for a girl? Would that imply disappointment in the child I carried for nine months? No parent wants to suggest they would love one child less than another, yet when we say, “I just want a healthy baby,” we inadvertently convey that message.
In reality, many families face challenges with children who have special needs. I know just as many families with children who require more support as those with typical kids. In light of that, the statement “all I want is a healthy baby” seems harsh and unrealistic. Every parent I know of a child with special needs is every bit as devoted, grateful, and in love with their child as any other parent. They never cease to want or love their child just because they might not fit the conventional notion of “health.”
I believe what people truly mean is that they want to spare their child from suffering. I can relate—like many parents, the thought of my daughter experiencing pain is unbearable. Yet, it’s crucial to recognize that wishing for a “healthy” child can unintentionally perpetuate ableism and exclude those families who love and cherish children with diverse needs.
Instead of shaming those who may use the phrase, let’s embrace a more uplifting perspective. We can say, “I want the child I am meant to have.”
This phrase is not only kinder and more inclusive, but it also opens the door to all possibilities. It reflects love, acceptance, and gratitude. It conveys a readiness to embrace the unique qualities of the child destined to join our family.
When we say, “I want the child I am meant to have,” we express our affirmation for whoever they may be. I want this child, in all their uniqueness, quirks, and perspectives. I will love them fiercely, no matter what, and I am grateful for the opportunity to share life with them.
On our ride home from the baby shower, I turned to Lily and asked, “Sweetheart, would you love your babies less if they were sick?”
“Of course not!” she giggled, recognizing the absurdity of the thought.
“Do you think I wouldn’t want you if you weren’t healthy? That’s impossible. I love you no matter what,” I assured her.
“I’ll love my babies just the same,” she replied confidently.
I took the moment to explain that while not all babies are deemed “healthy,” that doesn’t diminish the joy and love we feel for them. Every child’s life is a cause for celebration.
“Every baby should be celebrated, right, Mommy?” she asked.
“Absolutely,” I affirmed.
“With cake!” she added with a smile.
“With cake,” I echoed.
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Summary:
The phrase “all I want is a healthy baby” is often used without reflection and can unintentionally imply disappointment in children who have special needs. A more inclusive and loving way to express our hopes for a child is to say, “I want the child I am meant to have,” which opens the door to embracing the unique qualities of every child. This shift in language fosters acceptance and gratitude, allowing parents to celebrate every life, regardless of its challenges.
Keyphrase: “want a healthy baby”
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