Life can be challenging for kids. “Stop whining,” “It’s not a big deal,” “Suck it up,” and “You’re fine” are phrases many of us have heard or even uttered in moments of frustration. As parents, we often respond to our children’s tears or complaints with skepticism, believing we’re guiding them toward resilience. However, many of us may not realize that in doing so, we could be unintentionally gaslighting our children.
Recently, my daughter came to me in tears after a disagreement with her friend. I brushed off her distress, thinking the issue was trivial and that I needed to focus on my work. In that moment, I dismissed her feelings, failing to recognize that for her, the situation felt monumental. This encounter made me reflect on the concept of “gaslighting,” which originates from a 1938 play, Gas Light. In this story, a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her own perception of reality, creating confusion and insecurity. This manipulation is what gaslighting is all about—convincing someone that their feelings are invalid or misguided.
Many parents, myself included, might not realize they’re engaging in this kind of behavior. It’s not that we want to harm our children; often, we believe we’re helping them by encouraging them to toughen up. We worry that if we don’t teach them to manage their emotions, they will struggle when faced with life’s challenges. However, dismissing their feelings does more harm than good. By telling them their reactions are unwarranted, we inadvertently teach them to question their own instincts and emotions.
When we look at situations through a child’s perspective, we must remember that their experiences are limited. For instance, if my car broke down and I had no funds to repair it, I would be upset. I wouldn’t appreciate anyone telling me to just “suck it up.” Similarly, children don’t have the same frame of reference as adults; their frustrations, even if they seem small to us, can feel insurmountable to them.
By gaslighting our kids, we send the message that expressing discomfort or sadness is unacceptable. This can lead to a lack of self-confidence, making them less likely to seek help when they truly need it. If we constantly invalidate their feelings, they may begin to feel abnormal, leading to anxiety and lowered self-esteem—detrimental consequences that can affect their adulthood.
Our intentions are noble; we want to raise resilient children who can navigate life’s ups and downs without being overly affected by minor setbacks. But it’s crucial to recognize when we might be crossing into gaslighting territory. Understanding and validating our children’s emotions is far more beneficial. By listening to them, even when their concerns seem trivial, we’re fostering empathy and emotional intelligence. Teaching them to manage their feelings rather than suppress them will equip them for future challenges.
So, what’s the solution? We can start by acknowledging our children’s feelings when they express sadness or discomfort, whether it’s about a friend or even something as simple as refusing to eat when they’re full. It’s essential to build a foundation of trust, where they feel safe to express themselves without fear of being dismissed. This approach not only nurtures their emotional development but also prepares them for healthy relationships in the future.
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In summary, it’s important to recognize how our responses can shape our children’s understanding of their emotions. By validating what they feel, we empower them to grow into confident individuals who can navigate life’s complexities without losing touch with their authentic selves.