It’s been ages since I watched “Look Who’s Talking,” but a particular scene with Kirstie Alley sticks out in my mind. Sitting on a park bench, she reads about mothers dealing with postpartum depression and defiantly declares, “Well, I’m not gonna!” Fast forward to her sobbing uncontrollably on her couch after being triggered by a commercial—this was my pre-baby understanding of postpartum struggles.
No matter how meticulously I planned my pregnancy, I soon discovered that I couldn’t control whether I would experience postpartum depression. The best I could do was arm myself with knowledge about potential signs and causes. However, I found nothing addressing postpartum anxiety, nor did I learn that around 80% of mothers face some level of postpartum depression or anxiety. This pervasive issue remains largely unacknowledged until women find themselves grappling with it firsthand, often without even recognizing what they are experiencing.
After a grueling 46-hour stay in the hospital, my daughter arrived through C-section in November 2015. She was perfect, and my heart was full. As night fell on our first day as a family, exhaustion was all I anticipated. But then, as if a switch had flipped, a wave of panic engulfed me. There was no clear trigger; I just found myself struggling to breathe, desperate for fresh air. After three days in the hospital, I believed that stepping outside would remedy my unease.
But that wasn’t the solution. The panic intensified, and I was caught in a full-blown panic attack. Having never experienced anxiety before, I was utterly unprepared. I don’t remember how I eventually calmed down, but I do recall a kind psychiatrist visiting me the next day. He reassured me that my feelings were completely normal. While I wanted to believe him, I felt anything but normal. My transition from bliss to sheer terror was bewildering, leaving me feeling vulnerable and unsure of what to expect from myself.
I tried to rationalize it. The days before my panic attack included two failed inductions, a botched epidural, agonizing contractions, and an unplanned C-section. I was in pain and understandably shaken. I told myself that once I returned home, everything would feel normal again.
But it didn’t. As I looked around my familiar living room, now occupied by my tiny 6-pound daughter sleeping in a rock ‘n’ play, panic washed over me once more. A tidal wave of unfamiliar emotions crashed over me—emotions that no new mother should have to navigate alone. In that moment, I reached out to a postpartum therapist and scheduled an appointment for the next day.
Words can hardly capture how beneficial postpartum therapy was for me. I felt like a mere shadow of my pre-baby self at first, but with each session, my therapist reinforced that I wasn’t just going to be okay—I already was okay. That validation was what I needed most. While my husband and mother were supportive, I craved the insights of someone skilled in postpartum therapy. I needed to know that my feelings weren’t unique and that, yes, it was okay to feel overwhelmed. Gradually, things improved.
As weeks passed, my body healed, my anxiety subsided, and life began to feel familiar again. My husband and I established a routine with our daughter, who graciously gifted us with 6- to 7-hour sleep stretches at night. I connected with other new moms who shared similar fears, and we leaned on each other for support. Returning to work after maternity leave, I noticed my old life beginning to blend seamlessly with my new one, and it felt right. The surreal fog that had enveloped me gradually dissipated.
By the summer of 2016, my final session of postpartum therapy took place, about seven months after my daughter’s birth. I am now the proud mother of a spirited 15-month-old who is fearless and full of life. While I still encounter moments of unease, they are fleeting and no longer engulf me. I openly discuss my experiences with both old and new mom friends, and many express similar sentiments. It’s nothing to be ashamed of; rather, it’s a badge of courage, akin to my C-section scar. It’s part of my journey into motherhood.
Being a first-time mom is a mix of joy and fear, and it’s essential to share both the beautiful and the challenging moments. Seeking help is not just okay; it’s the best decision you can make for yourself and your precious little one.
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Summary
After experiencing panic attacks and anxiety following the birth of my daughter, I navigated the challenges of postpartum anxiety with the help of therapy and support from other moms. It’s crucial to talk about these experiences, as many new mothers face similar feelings. Seeking help can lead to healing and a more balanced life as we embrace motherhood.
Keyphrase
postpartum anxiety
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