I came across a meme today that struck a chord with me. It featured a hefty guy on a surfboard with a caption that read something like, “When you abandon your diet and just say, ‘Forget it, I’m plus-size!’” Honestly, they could have just used my photo instead—it resonated that much.
Now, I know how I’m “supposed” to feel. Society tells me I should be disheartened by my weight, sitting glumly while my child plays, unable to keep up with her energy. I should have a life-changing moment while standing in line at the grocery store, flipping through a magazine with impossibly thin models, leading me to “improve myself,” join a gym, shed pounds, and then blog about it to inspire others.
But when the world starts dictating how I should think and feel, I get a little feisty. My instinct is to raise my middle fingers and say, “Not today!”
So instead, I’m here to be someone’s FATspiration. Here’s my little adventure in self-acceptance or whatever you want to call it.
My Journey to Self-Acceptance
I haven’t always felt this way. The first time I realized I was larger than my peers was in third grade. I can’t recall the exact trigger—maybe a comment from a classmate or an offhand remark from a family member. I was observant, so perhaps I just noticed the difference. That was the beginning of my weight consciousness.
Throughout elementary school, I hoped I’d “grow out of it,” and for a time, I did. In junior high, I was slimmer but still not “thin enough.” At 5-foot-2 and around 135 pounds, my BMI was normal, but I felt anything but normal compared to the “popular girls.” That nagging belly? No way I was showing it off. That’s when I started dabbling in fasting, and my inner critic really kicked in.
High school saw my weight fluctuate. I was never happy with my appearance, but I resigned myself to the notion that bikinis were not in my future. Thankfully, I attended a smaller school where bullying wasn’t rampant, and my wit kept me somewhat off the radar. Still, I was my own worst enemy.
By graduation, I was in a relationship with my first husband and weighed 165 pounds. I felt out of control and resorted to fasting and pills—a vicious cycle. My weight plagued me throughout that marriage. I couldn’t understand why anyone would find me attractive, which led to a disinterest in intimacy. I’d lose some weight, but it always came back. Then came the diagnosis of hypothyroidism. No wonder the pounds wouldn’t budge!
Things took a turn when I broke my ankle, leaving me immobile for nearly four months. The result? I ballooned to 250 pounds by the time I divorced. While my weight wasn’t the sole reason for our split, I held it responsible. I felt trapped in a cycle of self-loathing and depression, hiding my feelings behind a facade of normalcy.
After a year of divorce, I tried a drastic crash diet and managed to shed some pounds, nearly reaching my high school weight. I got compliments and attention from men, but I was essentially starving myself at 500 calories a day. I had fun partying and living it up, but was I really happy? Wasn’t I supposed to be thrilled, like the people in those weight-loss infomercials? Truth is, my old self-hate had simply shifted to new insecurities.
Then I met my current husband, fell in love, and welcomed my daughter into the world. The birth of my child was a game-changer. Suddenly, my weight concerns seemed trivial compared to the joy of motherhood. I realized happiness isn’t a constant state; it’s messy and complicated.
I began to wonder why I’d spent so much energy on self-hatred. Did I want my daughter to grow up with a similar mindset? No! I wanted to break that cycle for her. So, I stopped worrying about diets, my jeans size, and what others thought of me. I quit equating my worth with my weight.
Did all my insecurities vanish? Not quite. Am I completely happy? Not really. But I’ve come to realize that nobody is, regardless of their appearance. I’ve chosen to focus on the positives in life that exist regardless of the number on the scale.
Will I try to lose weight again? Maybe one day, but for now, that battle isn’t on my agenda. I know some folks think I’m lazy or irresponsible, that I’m a burden on healthcare costs, but I’ve learned to let that go. Now, I hope my plus-size self annoys those judgmental people enough to ruin their day. And you know what? I’ll just be over here enjoying my cheeseburger.
Resources for Home Insemination
If you’re curious about home insemination options, check out this informative piece on at-home insemination kits. For those considering fertility methods, this intracervical insemination syringe kit is quite the resource. And if you’re looking for more in-depth information about fertility treatments, this Wikipedia page is excellent.
In summary, I’ve turned my back on the self-hatred that once defined my life. I choose self-acceptance and to focus on the joy of living, no matter my size.
Keyphrase: self-acceptance journey
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