A dear friend of mine has recently lost her father. Although it was anticipated, the pain is profound. Losing a close family member is a challenging experience at any age. I said farewell to my own father at 23, but losing my grandmother, who was 91, was equally heart-wrenching. Grief can feel overwhelming, but it is a crucial part of the farewell process.
While adults often struggle to navigate loss, children face even greater hurdles. Young kids, in particular, can find it incredibly hard to grasp the permanence of death and may linger in the bargaining stage of grief. They might wish or negotiate for their loved one to return in exchange for good behavior or achievements. Their natural self-centeredness leads many children to question if they or someone else might be next. For example, after losing a grandparent, children might become anxious about the health of their parents.
Adults typically experience grief in fluctuating waves, which can resolve in months or linger for years. Children, however, can cycle through feelings of sadness, anger, happiness, and even excitement quite rapidly. Following a significant loss, it’s common for kids to reenact scenarios, ask repetitive questions, and show signs of regression, clinginess, or temper tantrums. These behavioral shifts are often temporary. If any changes significantly hinder your child’s ability to function, don’t hesitate to consult your pediatrician. Many young children benefit from play therapy to navigate their grief at various stages.
Here are eight strategies for helping kids cope with grief:
- Communicate the Loss Clearly: While children may not handle lengthy discussions well, they need clear information. They can sense when parents are not being truthful. Be honest yet concise. For young children, saying something like, “Grandpa’s heart stopped working, so his body stopped working, and he can’t live anymore,” is effective. Older kids may need more details, like the name of an illness. Focus solely on the specific situation, frequently reassuring them that you are okay.
- Facilitate Goodbyes: Deciding whether your child should attend a funeral can be difficult. Generally, kids under seven might find it challenging to understand and behave appropriately during such events. However, all kids should have the opportunity to say goodbye. If death is imminent and the loved one seems at peace, let your child offer a brief farewell. Encourage them to create a card or drawing for the loved one. In situations involving hospitals and medical equipment, it may be better for your child to skip the direct goodbye and participate in part of the funeral or memorial service. Remember, children often process feelings later, and nighttime can bring out intense emotions.
- Normalize Emotions: Children struggle with intense feelings and may laugh or act out when anxious. Help them label their emotions, as well as your own, to model emotional expression. Let them know it’s normal to feel sad, confused, or even angry. Creative outlets like coloring can be therapeutic. Resources like “When Someone Very Special Dies” by Marge Heegard offer excellent strategies for understanding grief.
- Create a Memory Book: The concept of finality can be complex for young kids, who might continue to ask about their loved one long after the loss. Encourage them to make a memory book, filled with pictures and stories about their time with the deceased. Allow them to choose what to include, as this process is for their healing.
- Establish Memorials: While older children may find closure in funeral services, younger ones might not grasp their significance. Consider letting your child draw a picture to place in the casket or near the urn during the service. Creating a goodbye card can also be a meaningful way for younger kids to express their feelings.
- Offer Reassurance: Children often worry about their own safety and well-being after a loss. Be explicit about the steps your family takes to stay healthy. Regular check-ups, a balanced diet, and good sleep are all essential. Remind your child frequently that both you and they are okay.
- Be Cautious with Language: It can be tough to find the right words to comfort children after a loss. Stick to factual statements like, “His body stopped working,” and avoid phrases such as “It was his time” or “He’s with God.” Young children might find these concepts frightening, so focus on the reality of death while emphasizing the memories you hold.
- Prioritize Your Well-being: This point is crucial. Grieving can leave you feeling overwhelmed, making it tough to care for your children. Seek support, get enough rest, eat well, and talk to someone about your feelings. By taking care of yourself, you model healthy coping strategies for your children.
Note: A book titled “When Dinosaurs Die” by Laurie Brown & Marc Brown is often mentioned as a resource for children dealing with grief. However, it may not be suitable for kids under eight or those who are particularly anxious, as it contains details about various causes of death that could be distressing. Focus on your specific situation and help your child articulate their own story of loss.
In conclusion, navigating grief with children requires patience and open communication. By providing them with tools and support, you can help them process their emotions healthily and constructively.
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Keyphrase: Helping children through grief
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