One summer afternoon, while watching our children play at the beach, a friend confided in me, “I decided to take a step back at work.” This simple statement resonated deeply with my own experiences and those of many women in our situation—making the conscious choice to demote ourselves.
The questions swirl around: Should I strive for advancement, pull back, go part-time, or even stay home? The overwhelming amount of advice aimed at mothers about the “right” choices can be exhausting. There’s no shortage of opinions on what to do, what not to do, and how those decisions will impact us years down the line. It’s a cacophony of voices trying to present a one-size-fits-all solution, which is utterly absurd.
Before I became a mother, I had no idea that the debate between “working mom” and “stay-at-home mom” was such a contentious issue. I was blissfully unaware of the books, articles, and countless blog posts dedicated to this very topic. I didn’t realize that women were judging one another, experiencing guilt and superiority, or feeling the need to justify their choices. My social media feeds quickly filled with links and articles that made me question my own decisions.
Just twenty-four hours into motherhood, I faced the inevitable question: “Are you returning to work?”
“Yes, I am,” I replied, fully believing it at the time.
I had graduated from college and found my niche in the non-profit sector. Though the pay was modest, I loved my work, particularly fundraising. By the age of 29, I had achieved my goal of becoming a director at a university. Though the environment was less than ideal, I took pride in my accomplishments, fueled by the ambition to climb even higher. But then, everything changed when my son, Max, came home.
Upon returning to work after three months of bonding with him, I witnessed a heartbreaking regression. Each time I picked him up from daycare, he would sob uncontrollably at the sight of me. It was as if the attachment we had built was unraveling, and it crushed me. I made the difficult decision to resign from my director role, leaving without a backward glance.
The next two years spent at home, followed by part-time work, were both the most rewarding and challenging of my life. I feel deeply grateful for that time with Max; the opportunity to be present was a true gift, and I have no regrets.
When I announced my decision to step away from my career, I heard comments from other mothers expressing how they could never give up their independence, implying that my choice made me less capable. This attitude trivialized the significant contributions of stay-at-home moms.
Last year, I re-entered the workforce full-time, and both Max and I were ready. I felt my identity returning, along with my confidence and balance. However, I didn’t go back to my previous director position. I was offered the role, but I knew I had changed; I craved a different work-life balance.
I opted for a position that allowed for flexible hours, summer vacations, and the luxury of not being in charge. My husband, Jake, continues to work in a demanding role with less flexibility and longer hours, sacrificing his time for our family. While I sometimes feel envious of his career trajectory, I remind myself of the sacrifices he makes and feel grateful for the balance we’ve created.
I am not certain when, or if, I will return fully to my previous career path. I’ve begun to explore the idea of writing professionally, but that remains a distant dream. There are days when I miss the responsibility and title of my former role, yet I feel fortunate to work in an enjoyable environment with amazing colleagues. I can’t predict whether I’ve made the right decisions for my future, but I know they were right for us at that moment.
As I push Max on a swing at 3:30 PM on a summer weekday or we pick blueberries together, I realize these fleeting moments are precious. I don’t regret taking a step back.
I don’t miss the directorship at all.
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Summary
This piece reflects on the journey of a mother who chose to demote herself in her career to prioritize her family life. It explores the societal pressures surrounding the decisions of working versus stay-at-home moms and the personal sacrifices made for family. Ultimately, it emphasizes the importance of finding balance and cherishing moments spent with loved ones, while acknowledging the complex feelings around career paths and aspirations.
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