Last summer, my seven-year-old daughter, Lily, stumbled upon some dog waste right in our front yard. She informed me, and by the time I made my way to the backyard for a shovel, my three-year-old, Bella, had already taken the liberty of grabbing the poop and smearing it on her sister. I assure you, I did not teach her this. I’m not taking any credit—or blame—for my child’s unique method of poop handling. She came up with that all on her own.
Naturally, Lily ran inside, crying, while Bella chased after her, and I trailed behind with a shovel like some sort of demented gravedigger, completely bewildered by the chaos that had unfolded in the mere seconds I was in the backyard. But clarity hit when Bella turned to me with her hands covered in poop, causing me to drop the shovel to prevent this little mess-maker from touching me as well. In her flurry, she fell and scraped her knee.
Suddenly, I faced a dilemma: abandon her on the ground and pretend I don’t have a daughter, or pick her up and offer comfort while likely getting dog waste on myself.
Let me pause right here to clarify: at that time, I didn’t even own a dog. According to my doorbell camera footage, some inconsiderate individual allowed their large Labrador to relieve itself on my lawn while I was at work, and then just walked away without a second thought. It’s as if they want to watch the world burn—or perhaps they are simply a lazy jerk who deserves to have dog poop put in their mouth. You decide.
The harsh truth is, I wouldn’t have been in this predicament if it weren’t for someone’s thoughtlessness. Every person who’s ever stepped in a pile of dog waste at the park, cursed, and wiped it off on the grass while noticing a nearby poop bag dispenser and trash can hates you. Every individual who has toiled in their flowerbeds only to discover a hidden dog turd despises you. Every cyclist who has been showered with dog droppings after hitting a hidden pile wants to see you punished.
I understand accidents happen. Sometimes poop shows up when you least expect it—I have three kids, so trust me, I know. But if your dog makes a mess and you find yourself without a bag, just head home, grab one, and come back. Problem solved. Even better, keep a poop bag attached to the leash, and you’ll never find yourself in this situation.
If you can’t be responsible enough to clean up after your dog, then frankly, you are being inconsiderate. And if you don’t want to hear it from me, think about my sweet eight-year-old daughter crying in the bathroom as she scrubbed dog waste from her arm. Did you ever consider that your laziness would lead to such a mess? Clearly, you cannot think beyond your immediate needs, you thoughtless individual.
Because of your negligence, I was forced to choose between leaving my dog-poop-covered child on the ground and forgetting about her, or picking her up and offering comfort while likely getting dog waste all over me. Honestly, is there a type of excrement worse than dog poop? I think not. It is the worst kind of poop.
Lifting that little girl with her scraped knee and poop-covered hands felt like a moment of despair, similar to when Jabba The Hutt demanded a kiss from Princess Leia. For a brief second, I questioned if I was cut out for this parenting ordeal.
But don’t worry—I cleaned her hands and her cut while she screamed, and I cried on the inside. I sat her on my lap, desperately trying to avoid getting any on myself, though I didn’t succeed.
No one awarded me for this act of heroism, but I know I did the right thing. I cleaned up your mess. You’re welcome, inconsiderate stranger.
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In summary, being a responsible pet owner is crucial. Neglecting to clean up after your dog not only creates a mess but can lead to unfortunate situations for others. Let’s all do our part to maintain a clean and respectful community.