From a young age, I’ve had the habit of chewing my fingernails down to the quick. It’s not a cute little nervous habit; it’s a compulsive act driven by an overwhelming sense of anxiety that seems to follow me every waking moment. While only my closest friends and family are aware of my struggle, I take medication to manage my anxiety, which I keep largely private. I often find it difficult to explain my reactions to those who haven’t experienced anxiety themselves. For example, if a ball were thrown at my face, my instinct would not be to duck or shield myself. Instead, I would spiral into a whirlwind of stress and worry, imagining the worst possible outcome. This response is automatic and feels completely out of my control.
You might find my thoughts irrational. I brace myself for judgment, but that reaction is precisely why many individuals choose to remain silent, battling inner demons alone. My intention here is to shed light on this experience, so anyone grappling with similar feelings knows they are not alone. My life with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is often a series of intense, overwhelming thoughts and fears.
For instance, when my sister offers to take my son to the park, I immediately say no, fearing the worst—a car accident that could claim his life. Similarly, when my stepdaughter wants to play outside for a moment, I refuse, worrying about potential kidnappers lurking nearby. Even the simple act of giving our baby a banana fills me with dread; I worry about choking and that she could die. Instead, it’s baby food until she’s 15.
I leave the house 45 minutes early to pick up my stepdaughter from school. Arriving late feels like a shaken soda bottle ready to explode. I would rather avoid that anxiety altogether. If my mother-in-law suggests taking my son for a sleepover, I decline, terrified he may fall off the bed and sustain a serious injury.
Physical sensations can trigger wild thoughts. A minor stomachache makes me think my appendix has burst. When multiple conversations happen at once, it feels like a megaphone blaring in my ears. Although I might agree to social invitations with enthusiasm, the day of the event brings dread as I prepare myself for small talk and social energy that drains me completely.
Self-consciousness plagues me. If I step out feeling insecure about my hair, I become fixated on how others perceive it. If my sister doesn’t return a call, I jump to the conclusion that something terrible has happened to her. When a stranger knocks at my door, I’m prepared for the worst, clutching a household item as a weapon and dialing 911 with my other hand.
I know this all sounds absurd. I feel it too. The reality of living with GAD is an unrelenting fear that disaster looms around every corner. While others enjoy a day at the beach, I’m preoccupied with slathering sunscreen and scanning the waters for sharks.
My anxiety likely stems from losing both my parents and almost all my grandparents. This loss has instilled in me the belief that loved ones can be taken away in a heartbeat. Consequently, I go to extreme lengths to protect those I care about.
Sharing these thoughts is a first for me, and reading through my own words is painful. I recognize how irrational they must seem to outsiders. I hope that my openness helps others understand that we aren’t just “worry warts” in need of relaxation. We genuinely wish we could just calm down.
I’ve started meditating and praying, which has helped me tremendously. I’ve realized the core of my anxiety lies in my need for control, a realization that’s challenging because so much in life is beyond our control. I must learn to loosen my grip on perfectionism and embrace uncertainty.
It’s essential for those around us to understand that anxiety is not a fabricated issue; it’s very real. We need compassion, not judgment. If you know someone with anxiety, instead of dismissing their feelings, ask how you can support them. Living with anxiety is challenging, but the strength of a supportive community can make a world of difference. For those interested in more about family planning, consider checking out resources like this article on artificial insemination kits or explore options for in vitro fertilization.
Summary:
Living with Generalized Anxiety Disorder as a mom can be incredibly isolating and overwhelming. Daily life is filled with fears and irrational thoughts that often lead to avoidance behaviors. Sharing these experiences is crucial for understanding and support. Compassion and awareness can make a significant difference in the lives of those dealing with anxiety, reminding them they are not alone.