I got married at 40, but it wasn’t by design. I simply didn’t see the point in rushing into marriage. When I was 22, a boyfriend proposed, but I was far more focused on independence than on being a wife. I wanted to be self-sufficient and assured that I could take care of myself long before I even thought about saying “I do.” So, I waited.
The right partner didn’t emerge in my 20s or most of my 30s. There were various reasons—sometimes they just weren’t right for me, and sometimes I wasn’t right for them. While I never explicitly stated that I didn’t want children, I also wasn’t eager to jump into parenthood.
As I navigated through my 30s, doubts crept in. Would I remain single forever? It was a fear I didn’t want to confront, yet it lingered. I kept dating, hoping to find love and a lasting partnership. Eventually, I met my ex-husband, whom I’ll refer to as Tom. At that point, I had achieved financial stability and sought a partner who was equally secure. Tom was a decent guy, and after a year of dating, I convinced myself that I loved him. We had a comfortable life together, but I ignored several red flags that should have signaled impending trouble.
Different Backgrounds
One glaring issue was our different backgrounds. I am a Black woman with liberal views, while Tom is a white man with Republican beliefs. I have friends who identify as moderate Republicans, but they seek balanced information. Tom, on the other hand, often quoted controversial figures like Larry Elder, a choice that baffled me. When I attempted to explain why I found such views problematic, he remained unconvinced. I should have recognized that this disconnect was significant, but I chose to overlook it.
Conversations About Race
Race was a recurring theme in our conversations. After the tragic shooting of Michael Brown in Ferguson, Tom questioned why the victim didn’t simply comply with the officer’s orders. I took the time to explain the history of systemic racism and the dangers Black individuals face with law enforcement. Unfortunately, he shrugged it off. I let it slide and stayed in the relationship, despite the growing chasm between us.
Accumulating Differences
We had other differences that seemed trivial at first but accumulated over time. For instance, I love to cook, while Tom couldn’t even boil water. I know some women are okay with this, but I had previously moved on from partners who viewed cooking as women’s work. Although Tom never explicitly said that, his reluctance to help in the kitchen was telling. His attempts at cooking were often disastrous, which left me doing the majority of the meal preparation.
Additionally, I developed a passion for travel in my mid-30s. Just before meeting Tom, I had traveled solo to Europe and planned to continue exploring the world every year. After our marriage, whenever I brought up travel, he insisted we couldn’t afford it, which just wasn’t true. When I asked if he was interested in going abroad, he preferred to explore places within the United States instead. In nearly eight years of marriage, we never took a single trip together. It wasn’t until after our divorce that I resumed my travels.
Intimacy Issues
Then there was the matter of intimacy. Before meeting Tom, I had a fulfilling and adventurous sexual life. However, he lacked experience and wasn’t open to exploring new things. Our intimate moments grew monotonous, and after numerous discussions about our needs, I found myself increasingly frustrated. Ultimately, I stopped being intimate with him altogether, opting for a vibrator instead.
Family Dynamics
Another significant issue was his relationship with his mother. While not a terrible person, she was neglectful during his upbringing. Tom recounted stories that hinted at severe neglect, and I couldn’t help but feel protective of him. Her actions undoubtedly impacted his emotional health, but he refused to address these issues.
The Breaking Point
Eventually, the relationship crumbled under the weight of unaddressed problems. The final straw was Tom’s inability to acknowledge racism. If he didn’t believe it existed, then how could he support me through my experiences? I realized he didn’t validate my pain, which cast a shadow over our marriage.
In retrospect, the lack of intimacy and communication mirrored deeper issues. We weren’t close, and I often felt unsupported and unappreciated. Love was absent, and that’s a deal-breaker.
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In summary, waiting until 40 to marry didn’t lead to the fairytale ending I hoped for. The differences and unresolved issues ultimately led to divorce. It’s a journey of self-discovery, and I learned that being true to myself was far more important than conforming to societal expectations.