Updated: July 25, 2018
Originally Published: March 31, 2018
Oh, please, not here. Don’t choose this seat.
As I awkwardly navigate my way down the aisle—clearly designed for models or people with a mythical metabolism—I can feel the gaze of my fellow passengers avoiding mine at all costs. It’s been eight long years since my last flight, and after gaining 100 pounds post-baby—none of which I wear with pride—I wasn’t prepared for the reaction I received, which felt more like an audience at a circus than a typical boarding experience.
Dressed in an oversized hoodie and black yoga pants that are more wide-legged than fashionable, I boarded late alongside my friend because we were indulging in breakfast (the irony!). With two seats left, one was an aisle seat next to two petite women in their early twenties, off to Vegas for a weekend of revelry. The other option was between a businessman and another man who was at least my size, and let’s be real, we weren’t about to squeeze into those seats like a couple of Play-Doh figures. So, I opted for the row of fresh-faced graduates.
Friends, I literally had to maneuver my backside into that seat, forcing my hips down under the armrests. As the round businessman next to me wrestled with his seatbelt, I tried once, twice, and then decided, “If this plane crashes above 10,000 feet, this seatbelt won’t save me.” So I cleverly tucked the ends under my hoodie pocket and offered a polite smile to the tiny flight attendant who passed by.
My arm, which I can only describe as “grandma bat-winged,” extended into the aisle just enough that every single passenger who walked by bumped into me, looked shocked, and apologized as if I hadn’t clearly invaded their path. I smiled back, as if to say, “Don’t worry about it. I have two arms anyway, and that one could afford to lose a few inches.”
When people talk about “legroom” on a plane, it’s usually about the space for their knees or legs. But my thighs and hips are part of that equation too, and let me tell you, Mr. Southwest Airlines, I need you to reconsider the width of those seats, which seem designed for toddlers!
This flight felt like the longest 4.5 hours of my life, surpassing even the time spent in labor. I was uncomfortable and tired, feeling waves of guilt each time my young neighbor shifted in her seat, undoubtedly aware that my right hip was encroaching on her territory.
Then reality hit me: my two young seatmates were pouring the tiny liquor bottles they had snuck aboard into their complimentary Cokes. I realized I was closer in age to their mom, who sat behind them, having packed those bottles along with a cheerful brown bag of snacks for her daughters adorned with beautiful fake eyelashes, while I was in yoga pants that had clearly seen better days.
When did I become this aged?! Am I not still 22? Sweet Mother of everything good and holy!
Now the businessmen nearby took it upon themselves to suggest activities for us in Vegas. First up: a ventriloquist. So there it is, folks. Apparently, we look like two grandmas planning trips to the world’s largest ball of yarn.
If you find yourself navigating the challenges of parenthood or planning a family trip, you may also want to check out this insightful post on home insemination kits, which could be beneficial for those considering expanding their families.
This article was originally published on March 31, 2018. For more insights and parenting stories, visit the authoritative resource on this topic at Modern Family Blog. Also, don’t miss this excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination: Healthline.
Summary
Navigating the confines of airplane seating can be a challenge, especially for those of us who may not fit the traditional mold. This humorous reflection captures the struggles of traveling while managing body image and the passage of time, all while providing relatable anecdotes and insights into life as a parent.