My parents separated when I was just 10 years old. My father left for another relationship, and he passed away a decade later after his fourth marriage. Meanwhile, my mother is currently on her third marriage.
The result? An extended family that includes numerous stepparents, stepsiblings, half-siblings, and step-relatives, many of whom I once considered family but now feel like strangers. There were times when I’d be conversing with my stepbrother about our parents at school, only to find out the next day that he had moved out with his mom after a disagreement.
I keep in touch with a few of these former family members through social media, but for many, I’ve lost track of them, which feels odd considering we once shared holidays or even stood side by side at weddings.
Let’s be honest: My parents’ divorce was tumultuous. It forced me to navigate between homes and pick sides when all I wanted was a sense of harmony. By the age of 15, I was fed up with the constant conflict and ran away. I bounced around between friends and eventually found refuge at my grandmother’s house until I graduated high school.
Reflecting on my childhood, it felt like a series of fleeting connections, with people entering and exiting my life based on their marital statuses. I felt utterly powerless in the chaos.
This upbringing ingrained in me a deep-seated belief that my wife and children would eventually leave, just as so many others had.
My wife, Sarah, and I are now in our 14th year of marriage. We have three wonderful kids, a mortgage, and have lived in three different states. We’ve had our share of arguments and reconciliations, but she stood by me through my college years, and then I supported her as she completed her degree. Even though I can’t imagine my life without her, it took a decade for me to stop fearing abandonment and to recognize her as my steadfast partner. I also battled a subconscious anxiety about getting too close to our children, worried that they too might be taken away from me.
During the early years of our marriage, it’s hard to pinpoint what kept me committed when times were tough. Maybe it was love, dedication, or perhaps fate. My instinct was often to think, “What’s the point? She’ll just leave like everyone else,” as that was my lived reality.
Now, looking back, I am sincerely grateful that I persevered through those challenging moments. The truth is, I have built something truly special: children who welcome me home with smiles and a wife I trust completely, who has stood by me through the ups and downs of life.
I understand that not all marriages are healthy or should remain intact, and there are those who manage to co-parent effectively post-divorce. In those instances, I completely understand the necessity for separation.
However, if you grew up in a similar situation and find yourself expecting your marriage to crumble or for loved ones to abandon you, it’s critical to recognize the stability you may have. Focus on nurturing it and holding on tight. Otherwise, you risk losing the very thing you’ve always yearned for: a loving, stable family. That would be the real loss.
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In summary, growing up in a household marked by multiple divorces can deeply influence your perspective on marriage and family. It’s vital to confront these fears and work toward building a resilient, loving family environment.