As parents, we endure quite a few embarrassing and downright disgusting moments. From the traumatic experience of a newborn diaper blowout that leaves us frantically cleaning up mustard-colored mess from our laps, to the unforgettable stench of that first solid food poop—it’s safe to say, the gross factor is something we become all too familiar with.
There’s the delightful memory of your two-year-old removing his overloaded diaper during nap time and using it as paint on the walls. Or the infamous “two-bucket sickness” that makes its way through your home, where you witness the harrowing sight of a feverish child simultaneously experiencing both ends of the digestive spectrum. If you’ve never had the joy of witnessing that, count yourself among the fortunate.
And let’s not forget the monumental task of cleaning out a car seat after your four-year-old can’t keep down a gallon of red punch and a footlong chili dog. Who knew that the sound of projectile vomiting at 65 MPH could be so memorable?
After surviving the first decade of bodily fluid disasters, unidentifiable rashes, and the inevitable bumps and bruises, we finally think we can breathe a sigh of relief. Enter teenagers!
These are the kids who can finally bathe themselves, manage their own hygiene, and keep their bowel habits to themselves. Thank you, universe, for teenagers, because surely the gross days are behind us! Or so we think.
Let’s dive into a few of the new, yet equally revolting, scenarios that come with raising teens.
- Lotions, Long Showers, and Crusty Sheets
I once had to stop cleaning a shower mid-task to fetch a flashlight, just to confirm what I saw stuck to the wall was indeed what I thought it was. Spoiler alert: it was. Boys, please clean up after yourselves! And a friendly reminder—do wash your own sheets too. - STINK
The odor of teenage boys (and girls!) is beyond description. I’ve encountered smells that could rival a New Orleans alleyway after Fat Tuesday. You might want to start a re-carpeting fund ASAP. No amount of scented candles can mask this! - Hair
It’s everywhere. Hair seems to multiply overnight, and somehow, neither boys nor girls can figure out how to properly clean up after grooming. It’s a leg, armpit, and pubic hair extravaganza, and my poor drains are suffering. - Appetites
Imagine a cheetah tearing apart a hyena—now you know what it’s like when teens devour delivery pizza. Stains are inevitable, so get ready to befriend laundry stain removers. - Periods
I know periods can be empowering, but could you girls please refrain from leaving bloody underwear on the bathroom floor? And kindly learn to dispose of your tampons and pads properly before hosting guests? - Bathrooms
If I could turn back time, I’d install an outdoor shower and toilet specifically for teenagers. Between hair sprays, creams, and powders, I’m convinced my bathroom has become a beauty supply store explosion. - Cars
Imagine all their bedroom, bathroom, and locker room debris crammed into a small vehicle. That’s your typical teen’s car—smells included. My advice: buy a used car; when they move out, simply let it drive itself into the nearest body of water.
At this point, the sheer filthiness of my teenagers has me yearning for grandchildren just to experience that sweet, fresh baby smell again. Honestly, I’d even welcome the diaper blowouts because, in comparison, they seem like a delightful memory.
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In summary, while we may have thought the gross days were behind us, the teenage years come with their own set of challenges. Brace yourself for the reality that grossness is simply part of the journey.