Parenting
During a gathering for a one-year-old’s birthday, a college friend casually inquired, “How are you holding up?”
“It’s tough,” I admitted, my voice trembling as I fought back tears. “I just can’t seem to make my baby happy.”
He raised an eyebrow. “It’s not your responsibility to make him happy,” he replied.
Inwardly, I scoffed at my childfree friend. What did he know about parenting? After all, he had never experienced the challenges of raising a child.
But how could I not feel accountable for my four-month-old’s joy? After years of intense fertility treatments and longing to be a mother, I felt an overwhelming pressure. The titles of numerous parenting books only fueled my anxiety: The Happiest Baby on the Block, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, and Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five. Was it also the pervasive American culture that emphasizes happiness, which somehow infiltrated my subconscious?
In her insightful book, All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenting, Jennifer Senior highlights the confusion parents face in their roles today. We’ve outsourced many traditional responsibilities to educational institutions, healthcare providers, and the agricultural sector. What, then, remains for modern parents?
As a first-time mom to a challenging infant, I was still grappling with the essence of motherhood, and my immediate goal became making my son smile.
Descriptive words like colicky, spirited, and fussy defined my little one. While experts claim that colic typically subsides after three months, my son clearly didn’t agree. He continued to cry for up to half an hour daily for no apparent reason until he was 15 months old. He disliked being placed in his car seat, yet protested when taken out. He was uncomfortable during diaper changes and bath time, and even when held, he often squirmed. Yes, he had moments of joy, but overall, he seemed far from happy.
When my son reached eight months, I began to see the validity in my friend’s perspective. He had been born with blocked tear ducts, necessitating a procedure where stainless steel rods were used to clear the ducts while a team of nurses restrained him. Although the doctor assured me it wasn’t particularly painful, the screams I heard and his desperate cling to me afterward told a different story.
“How did you prevent him from being traumatized for life?” my mom asked during a phone call.
Guilt washed over me as I realized I hadn’t been able to shield my son from this experience. No wonder I felt unable to bring him happiness in our everyday life. I shared my feelings of guilt and sorrow with a therapist during a mothers’ support group I attended weekly.
“A parent’s role isn’t about protecting your child from negative experiences,” the therapist explained. “It’s about guiding them through these challenges so they can learn to navigate them independently.”
That revelation was transformative. My objective in parenting shifted from merely stopping my son’s tears to fostering resilience—a vital quality that helps individuals endure life’s inevitable hardships.
This new perspective altered my approach to parenting and significantly improved my mental well-being. Instilling resilience in my son equipped me to help him navigate the challenges of toddlerhood, teaching him that life often involves doing things we don’t enjoy, such as changing clothes or visiting the doctor.
Moreover, I learned to prioritize my own needs. While my son might have wanted me to play with him constantly, I recognized the necessity of taking a break, even if it meant putting him in part-time daycare. This decision not only provided me with a much-needed respite but also allowed me to pursue my passion for environmental communications. With just two days dedicated to writing articles and press releases, I felt rejuvenated and more patient when spending time with my son.
I was beginning to rediscover my identity and feel like a competent mother—one who was imparting essential lessons of resilience to her child. I felt a sense of happiness, even if my son was not always “The Happiest Toddler on the Block” (yes, that’s another parenting book title).
One day, while driving home from the grocery store when my son was two, he asked, “Mommy, Daddy was a boy and now he a man?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” I replied.
“And I a boy now and then I be a man?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“Ah, I don’t want to be a man,” he whined. “I want to be a boy forever!”
“Why do you want to stay a little boy forever?” I inquired.
“Because I love it,” he answered.
It turns out, despite my worries and self-doubt, my cranky little boy was indeed happy—likely because I had finally found my own happiness too.
For those looking into insemination options, you might find it helpful to explore resources like this artificial insemination kit or check out Hopkins Medicine’s fertility center for valuable information on pregnancy and home insemination. For more insights on parenting and resilience, visit Modern Family Blog, an authority on the topic.
In summary, relinquishing the unrealistic expectation of ensuring my child’s happiness allowed me to find my own fulfillment. By focusing on resilience instead of immediate gratification, I not only became a better parent but also rediscovered my sense of self and joy in life.