Updated: May 17, 2018
Originally Published: Aug. 26, 2017
“Mommy, I don’t want to be black like you.”
This surprising statement came while I was navigating the bath and beauty aisle at Target, precariously balancing on one foot in an attempt to reach the last SheaMoisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie perched on a high shelf. In that instant, I could feel the gaze of fellow shoppers upon me, as if an invisible spotlight had illuminated my struggle. I half-expected an announcement over the intercom to alert others to my predicament: “Attention Target shoppers. We have a black mother confronting an identity dilemma on aisle 3.”
Of course, none of that actually happened. Instead, I inhaled deeply, took my daughter’s hands in mine, and embraced her.
In that moment, fear gripped me. I didn’t want my daughter to feel burdened by her blackness. In 2017, being a black woman encompasses a myriad of challenges. It often involves ignoring provocative comments aimed at inciting anger. It means navigating the complexities of double consciousness and battling silent struggles with mental health. Daily microaggressions chip away at self-worth, and the pressure to embody the model minority can be overwhelming. Moreover, even when faced with unjust experiences, there’s often someone ready to counter your narrative, attempting to dismiss your truths.
This journey is undeniably exhausting both emotionally and physically. My daughter, still young, may not grasp the intricate layers of racial identity or the weight that comes with being black. However, she is perceptive enough to notice the differences in our skin tones. That’s why our conversation was crucial. I couldn’t allow someone else to shape her views and lead her toward self-rejection. It was imperative to guide the dialogue before it shaped her in ways I couldn’t control.
She’ll navigate a unique racial identity that I can’t fully articulate for her. I recognized in that moment that no matter how eloquently I spoke, my words couldn’t shield her from the harsh realities of the world. Biracial children often find themselves in a paradox: they embody two races but can struggle to identify fully with either. That’s a heavy realization, even for adults.
Standing in the beauty section of Target, I gathered my thoughts and asked, “Sweetie, why don’t you want to be black?”
“I dunno,” she mumbled, staring at her tiny feet.
“Being black is not a bad thing,” I reassured her. “In fact, I’m black, right?”
She glanced at me, “Yeah.”
“And you love Mommy, right?” I continued. She nodded. “Sometimes, as a black girl, you have to face challenges that others might overlook. It’s like being a superhero—we just don’t always wear capes.”
Her eyes lit up with curiosity. “So if I’m black, does that mean I get a cape?”
I wrapped my arms around her again. “Absolutely! You can have a matching one, just like mine.”
In that moment, I understood that it wasn’t that my daughter rejected her identity. She was grappling with her own understanding of who she is. I can’t protect her from how the world will perceive her, but I can ensure she recognizes her inherent worth, embraces her identity, and loves herself unconditionally. I want her to take pride in every part of her being, no matter how much melanin she has.
I often hear other mothers say, “I don’t teach my children to see color,” and it troubles me. The world is diverse—accepting this reality is essential. We can choose to engage our children in tough conversations early on, or we can let the world shape their understanding of others. Color is an integral part of life. Just as I want my daughter to appreciate her heritage, I expect her to honor and understand the backgrounds of others. Knowledge fosters appreciation.
As she matures, more questions are bound to arise. I’ll strive to be prepared with thoughtful responses. Like many moments in parenting, it’s a mix of stumbling, learning, and hoping for improvement in future conversations. And sometimes, that’s exactly what happens.
For more insights on family dynamics and the importance of understanding identity, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination, as well as our discussion on how to boost fertility through supplements.
In summary, navigating conversations about race and identity with children is crucial for fostering a sense of self-worth and understanding. By engaging in these discussions early, we can help them embrace their backgrounds and appreciate the world’s diversity.