In a recent discussion on a parenting forum, I encountered several parents suggesting that the best way to handle a toddler’s biting behavior was to bite them back, flick them on the mouth, or even use hot sauce as a deterrent. These reactions are alarming as they prioritize punitive measures over understanding and empathy in response to a common childhood behavior. Instead of nurturing and educating, some parents resort to pain and punishment, perpetuating a cycle of violence.
Shortly after this conversation, news broke of yet another tragic school shooting in Florida. Images of terrified teenagers hiding under desks and evacuating with their hands up flooded the media, reminding us of the grim reality of violence in our society. As I watched this unfold, I was forced to reflect on the concerning rise in violence we have yet to adequately address. From mass shootings to domestic abuse and toxic masculinity, the manifestations of aggression are pervasive.
This feeling of disillusionment is not new to me. Five years ago, while pregnant with my son, I witnessed the heartbreaking news from Sandy Hook, grappling with the idea of bringing an innocent child into such a violent world. Now, pregnant with my daughter, I found myself in a similar situation, grappling with the consequences of a society that continues to allow such horrors to unfold.
In the past five years, there have been over 400 individuals shot in more than 200 school shootings. As parents, we must ask ourselves whether we should be surprised by the prevalence of emotionally damaged individuals who resort to violence when we still endorse practices that normalize parental violence against children from infancy.
I am not suggesting a simplistic view that equates spanking with producing future school shooters. That would be an inaccurate oversimplification. What I am arguing is that when we respond to a frustrated toddler with physical punishment or demeaning behavior, we are laying the groundwork for a dangerous mindset.
When parents retaliate against an eighteen-month-old child for their natural expressions of frustration—whether through hitting, biting, or tantrums—it sends a message that the world is unsafe. These children learn that their emotions are something to be ashamed of, associating strong feelings with violence and punishment.
The toddler who experiences being bitten back grows into a three-year-old reprimanded for minor accidents and a six-year-old who is spanked in front of peers. This child learns to navigate their environment not through understanding right from wrong, but through the fear of punishment, leading to a cycle of concealment of misbehavior rather than moral development.
Fast forward to their teenage years, and these children, now young adults, have access to a world filled with influences and pressures that can exacerbate their unresolved feelings. They may lack the tools to navigate complex emotions and conflicts, which can lead to harmful outcomes.
I am not here to say “never spank your kids.” While I would advocate for a non-violent approach to discipline, I recognize that changing deeply held beliefs about parenting is challenging. It is crucial, however, to understand that a child’s behavior is a form of communication.
Children are not merely “bad” or intentionally troublesome; their actions carry meaningful messages. When we resort to punishment without seeking to understand their needs, we miss vital opportunities to connect and foster emotional intelligence. By taking the time to engage with our children—regardless of their age—we teach them to regulate their emotions, communicate effectively, and seek non-violent solutions to conflicts.
As we continue to debate the root causes of the alarming violence in our society, we often point fingers at guns, mental health issues, or media influences. However, I challenge parents to reflect on how we interact with our children. Consider their vulnerability, and recognize the profound influence our actions have on their self-worth and perception of safety.
Take a moment tonight to think about the messages your interactions convey. The way we respond to our children’s behavior can significantly shape their understanding of the world and their place within it.
For more insights on parenting and emotional development, check out this resource on pregnancy and home insemination. Additionally, for those navigating the journey of parenthood, Modern Family Blog offers valuable perspectives on nurturing healthy family dynamics.
In conclusion, as we strive to raise emotionally healthy children, it’s essential to recognize the impacts of our responses and create environments that promote understanding, empathy, and peaceful conflict resolution.