Updated: November 15, 2019
Originally Published: February 12, 2018
I was excited to open a package, expecting some fun surprise, perhaps a quirky coffee mug or a new gadget. My husband, Ethan, and I love to indulge in online shopping, often treating each other with random gifts that add a little joy to our routine. Maybe it would be a trendy shirt or even something for our home. But no, what I found was something entirely different—a Fitbit.
For those who may not know, a Fitbit is a device that straps onto your wrist and syncs with an app, tracking various fitness and health metrics. It can monitor your sleep patterns, step count, heart rate, and even how much water you’ve consumed. It’s like a constant reminder of all the things you should be doing, and it can buzz to notify you of incoming texts.
Meanwhile, I am on my own journey toward body positivity. I refuse to live under the crushing weight of unrealistic beauty standards that leave no room for anyone who doesn’t fit the mold, whether it’s due to body shape or size. Years of battling with my weight, including struggles with an eating disorder and restrictive diets, have led me to embrace a more accepting view of my body. I eat when I’m hungry, stopping when I feel satisfied, which is a challenge after years of ignoring those signals. I’m working hard to be comfortable in my own skin, and my husband has been supportive of this endeavor.
So, after three days of silence, I couldn’t hold back any longer. “I see you got a Fitbit,” I commented, trying to gauge his reaction.
“I want to track my sleep to check for apnea,” he replied defensively.
Oh, great.
He admitted, “I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d react this way.”
In a long-term marriage, you learn how to navigate sensitive topics. If the conversation had ended there, it would have been fine. But it didn’t. Suddenly, the Fitbit became a frequent topic. “I reached my 10,000 steps by 11 a.m.!” he exclaimed, a teacher who often walks around while he speaks. He would boast, “I walked five miles today.” And there I was, feeling bad that I barely managed a half-mile amidst household chores and homeschooling.
Ethan’s hydration goals became another point of contention. “I drank 64 ounces of water by the time I got to work!” Meanwhile, I was nursing a large cup of coffee, thinking, “At least I managed to stay awake.” It turned our interactions into a competition, where I always felt like I was coming up short. That little black device on his wrist began to annoy me, making me feel like I was being dragged into an unhealthy mindset.
Eventually, we made a pact. He agreed to keep discussions about his Fitbit to a minimum for my mental well-being. I support his quest for better health, but I found that constant reminders were triggering for me, making me feel compelled to get my own, which would likely lead to a spiral of anxiety.
So, we came to an agreement: I would pretend the Fitbit didn’t exist, except for discussions about sleep—its original purpose. My husband has his brother for fitness talk, and I’m okay with that. I believe in Ethan and his journey, but I also think he looks great just the way he is, and our relationship reflects that. I’ll continue to focus on my own body positivity, one step at a time. Someday, I hope to engage in fitness discussions without feeling triggered. But for now, I’m taking it one day at a time, and that’s enough for me.
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In summary, navigating my husband’s fitness journey has been challenging for me, as it often triggers my insecurities. However, we’ve found a balance that allows him to pursue his health goals while I continue to focus on my own body positivity journey.