Yesterday unfolded like any typical day in our busy household. I rose early, showered, and got ready before waking the kids. Meanwhile, my partner, Mike, got up, showered, and took the dogs for their morning walk. We loaded the kids into the car and dropped them off at daycare. After a long day of work, we picked them up and returned home.
Upon our arrival, Mike took our toddler downstairs to play with the puppies, who were eagerly waiting for attention. I removed my jacket and the baby’s jacket, hanging them in the closet, and put my shoes away (trust me, this detail is important). After changing clothes with the baby in tow, I began clearing off the kitchen table of papers and clutter. Once I was done, I headed to the living room for some playtime.
That’s when the moment occurred. Mike returned from the basement with our toddler, took off his jacket and shoes, and placed them on the kitchen table. He then set our child down in the living room and went to grab a snack for himself. It was at that moment I found myself asking, “Can you at least put Haden’s jacket and shoes in the closet?”
“Can you help me out?” I said, realizing how those words echoed in my mind. Suddenly, I recalled countless instances where I’d asked him for help with simple tasks: “Can you put away the baby’s toys?” or “Can you rinse your plate after dinner?” The realization hit hard—these weren’t requests for help; they were reminders that we are equal partners in this household.
In that instant, I declared, “Actually, can you just do it? It’s not about helping me; it’s about taking care of your child’s things.” He didn’t respond verbally, but he did take care of it.
From that day forward, I vowed never to ask Mike for help in the same way again—unless, of course, it involved him saving me from a massive spider invading our space. Here’s why:
It Undermines His Role
Mike is an adult, fully capable of managing his responsibilities. I shouldn’t view him as my assistant or helper who needs prompting. He contributes just as much to our household, and if something needs to be done, I can simply state it. When he asks me to fetch a bottle for the baby, it’s not about him; it’s about our child’s needs.
It Shifts Responsibility
I don’t own the sole responsibility for keeping our home organized or ensuring the kids are taken care of. Utilizing phrases like “help me out” inadvertently places that burden on me. There are plenty of things I want to own in life—like a luxury car or a laundry-folding machine—but total responsibility for our household isn’t one of them. I’m only interested in sharing that load equally.
It Sets a Misleading Example for Our Children
I don’t want our boys to believe that performing basic tasks, like taking out the trash or hanging up their jackets, is a favor to someone else. I want them to understand the importance of being an active partner and taking pride in sharing responsibilities.
It Erodes Our Partnership
Mike is my equal, my partner in every sense. While we might approach tasks differently, our goal remains the same: a happy, healthy family and a home that isn’t overtaken by toys and food spills. I don’t want to direct him; I want him to see that he’s integral to our family dynamic.
So the next time I find his clean laundry sitting in the dryer for days, rather than asking for help, I’ll just tell him to clear his things from my way.
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In summary, embracing a partnership means recognizing each other’s roles and responsibilities in managing a family and a household. By shifting our language and approach, we can foster a healthier dynamic for ourselves and set a positive example for our children.