My partner and I have faced significant challenges in our marriage over the past year and a half. After 18 years of marriage and 22 years together, we found ourselves navigating a relationship filled with resentment and frustration. Following a particularly heated argument, we made the conscious decision to work together to rebuild our marriage. We sought the help of a counselor and committed to the hard work of improving our communication and emotional expression.
Throughout all our counseling sessions, one topic has never been an issue for us. Neither of us has felt it necessary to discuss our weight or physical appearance as a contributing factor to our marital difficulties. Simply put, my weight has never been a reason for my partner to consider leaving me, and I feel the same way.
As you might expect, after nearly two decades together, our bodies have changed. Both of us have experienced fluctuations in weight over the years—after kids, cozy nights in with snacks can be rough on anyone’s figure. The reality is, my partner has seen me through two pregnancies and remembers the size 2 version of me in my wedding gown. He’s witnessed me at various sizes throughout our relationship, yet he still finds me attractive, regardless of how snug my yoga pants may fit.
When we confronted the underlying issues in our marriage, it became clear that our relationship is about so much more than our appearances. Our marriage has evolved, just as our bodies have. In therapy, we have worked on rebuilding trust and kindness between us. When I look into his eyes during our sessions, I’m not focused on any extra weight—I’m seeing the person I fell in love with.
When your marriage is truly in crisis, the scale holds little significance.
Recently, celebrity chef Mark Simmons revealed he lost 56 pounds after his fitness enthusiast spouse, Emily, issued him an ultimatum: shed the weight or face divorce. In an interview, Mark expressed that he was uncomfortable with his appearance and that Emily was unhappy with how he looked. Out of fear of losing her, he decided to embark on a weight loss journey.
While I don’t know Emily and Mark personally or their unique struggles as a couple, it’s disheartening to see a public figure suggest that marital stability can hinge on physical appearance. It’s frustrating to think that a few extra pounds could potentially jeopardize a relationship that should be built on far more than just looks.
Divorce is a serious issue, and I can confidently say that very few couples find themselves on the brink of separation solely because one partner has gained weight. While there may be instances where health issues create strain, I suspect that most marriage therapists are not addressing issues solely tied to a number on the scale.
Moreover, body shaming is a serious concern. There are constructive ways to discuss a partner’s health without resorting to ultimatums. Such demands are neither loving nor kind and often exacerbate existing issues.
I won’t judge Emily for sharing her feelings about her husband’s appearance, nor will I fault Mark for wanting to align with her health-focused lifestyle. We all want our partners to be their healthiest selves. However, I do wish they would avoid trivializing the complexities of marriage with superficial remarks.
Instead of framing his weight loss as a condition for preserving his marriage, Mark could have articulated it differently: “My marriage is facing challenges, and I’m taking the time to reflect on my overall well-being to be a better partner.” It’s unnecessary to portray his wife in a negative light or imply that her concerns stem from vanity. Just as my own marital struggles are nuanced and deep, I suspect Emily’s feelings go far beyond mere aesthetics.
My partner and I have endured considerable hardships in the past year. The challenging work of introspection and active listening has been painful yet transformative. Almost losing my marriage has put weight-related concerns into perspective. If Mark is genuinely facing divorce over his appearance, I empathize with both him and Emily—marriage is about so much more than just a number on the scale.
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In summary, relationships are built on emotional connections, trust, and shared experiences that far surpass physical appearances.