I vividly remember those evenings when my mother would come home from a long day at work, utterly exhausted. After greeting us as we returned from school, she’d whip up a quick dinner and then retreat to her bedroom for a much-needed nap. Often, she’d wake just in time to serve us dinner; other times, we were left to fend for ourselves.
The same went for homework. She ensured we completed our assignments, but her involvement was minimal. She expected us to be self-reliant from a young age. By second grade, I was preparing my own lunch, doing dishes, and helping around the house. I often babysat my younger brother. That was just our reality, and I accepted it.
But there were deeper feelings of resentment—sometimes almost overwhelming. I compared my mother to other moms. Those who welcomed their kids home with cookies and snacks, who maintained tidy homes, and who enthusiastically participated in school events. Mothers who seemed bright and cheerful all the time (or so I imagined).
My mother was a special education teacher, working with emotionally challenged children—often facing physical aggression from them. I was fully aware of the immense effort she put in. Despite financial struggles, she always ensured our needs were met, all while receiving minimal support from my father.
Emotionally, she was there for us. While disagreements happened, our home was a safe haven where we could express ourselves, where our feelings were valued, and where we felt loved unconditionally.
Yet, I found myself yearning for something different—even someone different. There were moments of genuine anger towards my mother. Why couldn’t she find more energy for us? Why wasn’t she as involved as the more vibrant mothers I admired from afar? Why did I have to shoulder so much responsibility so soon? From a young age, I felt as if I was growing up faster than my peers, carrying a weight that felt far too heavy for my small shoulders.
It has taken me nearly three decades to realize that my anger was misdirected. Becoming a parent myself has shown me just how exhausting motherhood can be—especially as a working mom. Unlike my mother, I share the responsibilities with a partner, which is a luxury she didn’t have.
I now understand that my feelings of heartbreak and disappointment stemmed from a culture that allowed fathers to abandon their families. I blame a court system that permitted a married man and his affluent wife to contribute a paltry $200 a month for two children. I fault a government with insufficient resources for struggling single parents.
My frustration is palpable. My mother worked tirelessly and did her absolute best. She was a wonderful mother, but societal structures limited her ability to be the parent she wished to be.
Even today, she expresses a desire to have had more energy to engage in our lives the way I do with my kids—attending PTA meetings, helping with homework, and so much more (even if those moments are fleeting).
Single mothers don’t need our pity; they each face unique challenges and victories—many of which differ from my mother’s experience. What I want every single mom to know is this: Just show up. Do your best. Love your children fiercely. Provide emotional safety and unconditional love; that is what truly matters. Remember, it’s impossible to be more than one person. And don’t forget to prioritize your own needs; no parent can give from an empty cup.
My mother may not have been perfect, but no mother is. Today, I see her as an incredible woman who built a fulfilling life for her children despite facing daunting odds. That strength and resilience have shaped who I am. I am proud to be the child of a remarkable single mom, and I regret ever doubting her efforts.
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Summary
In this reflective piece, Jessica Hartman shares her experiences growing up with a single mother and the realizations she has made as an adult. She discusses the challenges her mother faced and emphasizes the importance of showing up, loving unconditionally, and taking care of oneself as a parent. By acknowledging societal issues that impact single mothers, she encourages them to embrace their strengths and remember the significance of emotional support in their children’s lives.