As a mom of young children, my outings are often a whirlwind of negotiations and compromises, ensuring we can complete our errands without meltdowns or accidents. While I miss my kids during these solitary outings, it’s not enough to keep me home. Sure, I don’t miss the screaming or tantrums, but there’s a part of me that feels incomplete without them (perhaps because I’m constantly focused on making sure they stay safe).
For the past several years, my life has revolved around car seat buckles and preventing my kids from darting into the street. There have been endless diaper changes, potty training challenges, and sleepless nights where it seems my little ones have conspired to keep me awake indefinitely. With all this chaos, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to remember who I was before motherhood.
Venturing out without my children feels like a journey of self-discovery. What do I want to do? What are my interests? What even is “spare time”? I find myself grappling with what to listen to on the radio. What music do I enjoy? Who are these bands? It’s as if I’ve become out of touch with my own preferences.
Even when I’m given a choice for a meal (which is typically one of my favorite activities), I struggle to pinpoint what I truly want. I’ve grown accustomed to eating whatever is available, and I certainly don’t crave cold leftover chicken nuggets.
However, after spending enough time away from my family, I gradually reconnect with my true self. She still relishes the foods her family doesn’t appreciate (sushi, anyone?). She can belt out the lyrics to her favorite songs. She still loves to feel the wind in her hair while blasting music in a fast car.
Though I’ve changed, that essence of who I am remains, albeit buried beneath the responsibilities of motherhood and the effort to keep others happy. I have evolved—I’m smarter, having learned valuable lessons through trial and error. I have come to realize that I don’t have all the answers, and this awareness has made me wiser.
I’ve also become tougher. I’ve developed a fierceness that empowers me to speak up when necessary. And if anyone threatens my children? They better watch out.
Yet, I’ve softened too. Motherhood has instilled in me a sense of grace and compassion. I’m more attuned to the needs of others and the impact of my words and actions. I strive to be kind, wanting my children to follow suit.
Motherhood has humbled me in ways I never expected. I’ve faced challenges that have pushed me to my limits more times than I can count. Each time, I’ve risen from the struggle like a phoenix, determined to tackle the next day.
So, while I may hesitate when choosing music or planning how to reclaim my time, I recognize that this is still who I am. It’s merely a different phase in my life. Before long, I’ll have more time as my children grow, allowing me to reconnect with the vibrant version of myself. But that self is not the same as the one I remember. She’s been through the wringer and emerged stronger. I embrace this new version of me and wouldn’t change it for anything.
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In summary, navigating motherhood can lead to a profound transformation of self. While the journey may feel overwhelming at times, it ultimately shapes us into stronger, kinder individuals.