I have yet to meet a woman who hasn’t faced this unsettling scenario. You’re with a man you trust, whether it’s a new date or a long-term partner, and suddenly your expectations about where the interaction is going clash. We’ve all been in situations where we’ve had to push hands away, ask him to slow down, or draw back when things escalate too quickly.
At some point, many of us have been ignored. We’ve found ourselves repeating our boundaries, retreating to the other side of the couch, or even heading to the restroom to escape an uncomfortable moment. Countless women have felt their bodies tense up before going limp, surrendering to actions they didn’t genuinely want to engage in, often out of fear of conflict or violence. Some believe compliance is the quickest or safest way out.
And despite the pressure, the responsibility still falls on us. Whether we concede to an advance or they take everything they desire, any ambiguity is twisted to imply we’ve sent “mixed signals.” This notion is utterly ridiculous.
The idea of “mixed signals” is a myth. If a person is indicating discomfort, layered with half-hearted attempts to appease you while you persist, that’s still a clear no. If you struggle to understand phrases like “Not tonight,” “I’m not comfortable,” or “Let’s just cuddle,” especially if the woman appears detached and just going through the motions, then here’s a crucial tip: back off.
“Mixed signals” serves as an excuse for a lack of respect—it’s a way of saying, “I don’t care about her cues; I just want to satisfy my desires.”
We have been socialized to view sexual encounters as either fully consensual or outright rape, overlooking the vast gray area that encompasses sexual assault. This gray area is where many high-profile cases and countless others reside. Although gray areas often imply ambiguity, most encounters classified as such are dismissed by society, which is rooted in outdated patriarchal attitudes. The #MeToo movement is crucially addressing this gray area.
The assertion that sexual assault is not black and white is misleading. Sexual assault is clear-cut; it either happens or it doesn’t. While there are varying degrees of sexual assault, that doesn’t diminish the seriousness of the act. Those who commit any form of sexual assault should face consequences, losing their influence and power. There’s no constitutional right to maintain your career after harming someone.
Consent must be enthusiastic and ongoing. If you’re unsure, it’s your responsibility to check in with your partner. If you worry that asking for consent will ruin the moment, then take a step back and reflect on your understanding of sexual and power dynamics.
Don’t navigate women toward your desires. We know where those desires are and will approach them if we’re interested. If we withdraw, it isn’t because we’re confused; it’s because we’re not interested.
Attempting to ease a woman’s apprehensions by suggesting you’ll “just chill” but then disregarding that is manipulative. No one wants to get intimate while watching a sitcom, regardless of how much you think it might help.
Do not convince yourself that silence equates to consent simply because a woman hasn’t reacted aggressively. Remember, many women are conditioned to be polite and avoid confrontation. The absence of an explicit no does not imply agreement.
The expectations for preventing and addressing sexual assault are unfairly higher for women and lower for men. If a woman feels threatened and her initial protests are ignored, the blame often shifts to her for not being forceful enough. It’s a warped perspective that places the onus on women to defend themselves.
If you ever feel like you’re receiving “mixed signals,” pause everything immediately and step back. The only signal you should recognize is to stop. There’s nothing unclear about that.
In summary, the responsibility for understanding consent lies with everyone, and mixed signals should never be used as a justification for sexual assault.
For more insights on navigating complex relationships, you might find our piece on the couples’ fertility journey helpful. Additionally, check out this excellent resource for information on treating infertility. For further reading on this topic, see this informative article.