Every parent desires the best for their offspring, pouring countless hours into shaping their futures. We strategize, save, worry, hover, encourage, and protect, all in the name of safeguarding our children from pain and disappointment. The instinct to shield them from struggles is natural; no one wants to witness their child experience hurt, difficulty, or failure—no matter how minor.
However, this protective instinct can inadvertently create a generation of young people who are ill-prepared for life’s inevitable challenges. Many children today lack the opportunity to understand the essential lessons that accompany failure—resilience, determination, and the ability to stand back up after falling down.
Our intentions, though noble, often lead us to intervene when our kids encounter obstacles. We rush to alleviate their discomfort, fearing how their failures might reflect on us as parents. We reassure them that failure is rare and shameful, but in doing so, we cultivate an environment where defeat is seen as unacceptable. This mindset contributes to the rising levels of anxiety and depression among young adults, many of whom find themselves unprepared to face real-life setbacks.
What Does It Mean to Let Our Children Fail?
So, what does it mean to genuinely let our children fail? It’s not about minor inconveniences like forgetting their lunch or relying on chore charts for reminders (though taking a step back from these tasks is crucial for fostering independence). It involves allowing them to stumble in more significant areas of their lives.
For instance, if a major project is due and your child hasn’t prepared adequately, resist the urge to rush out for supplies at the last minute. If disciplinary notes come home from school, refrain from immediately defending your child. When they don’t make a sports team or a school club, allow them to process that disappointment without stepping in to demand answers or second chances. If they face social conflicts, let them learn how to navigate those situations themselves.
When deadlines are missed, or grades slip, hold back from fighting their battles. This can be tough, perhaps the toughest challenge of parenting, but experts agree it’s necessary for cultivating resilience. Jessica Lahey, author of The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed, emphasizes that shielding children from failure only inhibits their growth. Teaching them that true success comes from facing and overcoming setbacks will prepare them for the real world.
The sooner we help our children understand that every failure can lead to growth, the better equipped they’ll be to tackle the challenges that life throws their way.
Additional Resources
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In summary, allowing our children to face failure is essential for their emotional and personal development. By stepping back and letting them experience setbacks, we empower them to cultivate resilience and independence, ultimately preparing them to thrive in life.