It’s that familiar scene every evening: bedtime rolls around, and you ask your children to tidy up. You step into another room, returning moments later only to find them still engrossed in their games. You repeat your request, but this time with a bit more volume. They agree to clean up, yet when you check again, they’re tossing toys and giggling instead of picking them up. Frustration builds, and before you know it, you’re shouting, “MAYBE YOU NEED FEWER TOYS IF YOU CAN’T CLEAN UP THE ONES YOU HAVE!”
Soon, a chaotic yelling match ensues: older siblings are yelling at the younger ones, the younger ones are yelling back at you, and you’re shouting for silence. You cover your ears, fighting the urge to scream, “PLEASE JUST STOP!” Sound familiar?
Resisting the urge to yell at your kids is incredibly challenging, particularly if you grew up in a household where yelling was the norm. You envisioned a different family dynamic, one where your kids could express themselves freely without fear of retribution. You imagined them politely saying, “Excuse me, Mom, but I’d prefer not to go to Target today; it’s raining and I’d rather not ruin my favorite pants.”
You began this parenting journey with great intentions. Yet, somehow, you find yourself yelling at them to put on their shoes because it’s time to leave. You raise your voice when they dawdle, when they refuse to clear their plates (which they never seem to do), or when they resist going to bed. Instead of gentle requests, you’re met with shouts like, “I DON’T WANT TO GO TO TARGET! I HATE TARGET! IT’S STUPID!”
Eventually, amidst the chaos, you realize the shouting is a reflection of your own actions. It’s time to break this cycle. But how? Most people throw in the towel and continue yelling, yet it doesn’t have to be this way. Yelling often comes as an instinctive reaction rather than a conscious choice.
We tend to raise our voices because it’s an automatic response, often triggered by something from our past that conditioned us to see yelling as an appropriate reaction to children being, well, children. Perhaps you experienced yelling in your upbringing, or maybe stress and anxiety drive you to this reaction. Whatever the reason, yelling becomes a reflex before you even recognize it’s happening.
Moreover, we resort to yelling because we feel at a loss for alternatives. If you had more effective strategies at your fingertips, you’d utilize them instead. You could sing a cleanup song or establish a ‘no fun until chores are complete’ rule, yet anger often leads you straight to yelling as it feels like the quickest solution.
To overcome this habit, we need to retrain our instincts — to pause before we react and dig deeper into our parenting toolkit. Start with deep breaths. Mindfulness and meditation can benefit everyone, especially parents striving to control their tempers. It takes effort to catch yourself before you shout. Instead of yelling, take ten deep breaths. If necessary, step away for a moment (trust me, I often need to).
Then, consider how else you might diffuse the situation. For example, when my children resist cleaning, I calmly ask if they want me to yell. Confused, they respond with a resounding no. I remind them to clean up or face the consequences — like me showing up with a garbage bag to collect their toys. This approach is still a threat, but it’s reasonable (after all, they do need fewer toys), and I’ve followed through in the past.
When I grew tired of LEGO pieces scattered everywhere, I designated a specific table for LEGO play. I consciously choose to remain calm when they can’t find their shoes or get distracted by chasing lizards instead of getting in the car. Transforming these moments into a race is far more effective than screaming and drawing unwanted attention from the neighbors. This practice of breathing and mindfulness truly helps.
It’s an ongoing journey, and I’m committed to improving. Yet, I’ll admit I still find myself yelling at the dogs. If they leave a mess on the floor when they know where to go, they’ve earned a scolding.
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In summary, breaking the cycle of yelling takes awareness, patience, and practice. By learning to pause, breathe, and choose your words carefully, you can foster a more peaceful environment for you and your children.