Trigger Warning: Child Loss
Prepare for an incredibly difficult journey. There’s no sugar-coating it—this will be one of the hardest experiences you’ll ever face.
Just over two years ago, my partner and I embarked on the IVF process. After countless injections, medications, and medical examinations, we finally had embryos ready for transfer. We documented every step, from multiple embryos to three healthy 6-day-old babies. After our first round, we had two of those embryos placed gently inside my partner, Sarah. After nearly nine months, we were overjoyed to welcome our son, Ethan.
Following this blessing, we faced a tough decision regarding the remaining embryo, which remained frozen, quietly suspended in time. Almost every day, we reviewed the images of our embryos and discussed our options. Earlier this year, we decided it was time to bring our little girl home. However, the journey was anything but straightforward.
The initial shots and medications went smoothly, but complications arose after implantation. Early on, we received devastating news: we had lost the baby. I received that call and immediately requested a week for a second opinion. We spent that week in anguish, praying for our daughter.
When we returned to the clinic on Halloween, Sarah and I approached the appointment feeling emotionally drained yet hopeful. During the ultrasound, the nurse paused, her eyes wide with disbelief. There was a heartbeat! Against all odds, our little girl had somehow returned. Words can’t capture the joy of hearing that tiny heart beat. The doctors advised us to remain cautiously optimistic, and as weeks passed, her heartbeat grew stronger.
On November 13, we visited a specialist to assess our baby’s progress. It was a day filled with emotional highs and lows. We heard our daughter’s heartbeat thrumming at 152 beats per minute—strong and beautiful, just like her mother. But then, the doctor warned us that our daughter was positioned dangerously low in Sarah’s uterus, threatening her chances of survival. The recommendation was to terminate the pregnancy for Sarah’s safety. The harsh reality of that moment was unimaginable.
I vividly recall the moment Sarah said, “So I have a few months to live. What the heck do I do with that?” I could hardly process the news—our baby’s heart was beating against all odds.
Things deteriorated rapidly. One evening, while we were having dinner, Sarah went upstairs to be with Ethan. Suddenly, I heard her scream. I rushed up to find her standing in a pool of blood.
Without delay, we rushed to the emergency room. The reality of losing a baby is stark—it can happen without rhyme or reason. Miscarriages are common, occurring in about 20% of pregnancies. In our unique situation, we had less than an 8% chance of losing her, but with the complications we faced, logic seemed irrelevant.
In the end, no amount of medical expertise could change our fate. All we were left with were questions and overwhelming grief.
For anyone experiencing this, the pain can feel unbearable. As men, we often find ourselves in a conflicting role—expected to be the strong one while grappling with our own heartache. I can assure you, our hearts are shattered, and we feel just as lost as our partners.
During this painful time, my wife challenged me to open up more. I was trying to be the stoic one, but perhaps there’s a different approach—one I wish I hadn’t had to discover through such hardship.
So, how do we navigate this situation while supporting our partners? Sarah and I spent five agonizing hours in the ER. As we faced a barrage of medical professionals, recounting our story over and over, the silence between us weighed heavily. Finally, we got an ultrasound from the labor and delivery unit. As the nurses scanned, we held our breath, praying for a miracle. But the reality hit hard: the once-thrumming heartbeat was now still. I cannot fully express the depth of that loss—the feeling of falling into an abyss.
Things spiraled downward from there. We had to schedule surgery for the following day, and I had to leave Sarah alone in the hospital, both of us feeling isolated despite sharing the same grief. When I returned the next day, we sat in silence, tears flowing, waiting for news.
At 2:45 p.m. on November 16, 2017, we welcomed our little girl, whom we named Emma Grace, into the world—not in the way we had hoped, but she was still ours. The last week felt like a blur. I wanted to give her everything, yet the only thing we could provide was a small coffin that we built together.
I am still navigating this painful journey—discovering how to cope and what my role is. I recognize that I didn’t handle things as I should have initially, and I may still be stumbling. This is not a foolproof guide to losing a child, but these are my reflections and things I wish I had done differently to support Sarah. I hope these insights provide comfort to those going through a similar experience.
1. Allow Time to Grieve.
It’s essential to express your emotions. Yes, you may feel the need to be strong, but remember that you are human. Both you and your partner need to grieve together. Accept, expect, and own the reality of your loss.
2. Provide Reassurance.
Your partner may blame herself, and you may blame yourself as well. Acknowledge that it’s no one’s fault. I spent countless hours trying to figure out what went wrong, but it’s vital to affirm that you both provided a loving home for your child.
3. Offer Simple Love.
During this turbulent time, be a source of unconditional love. Even if your affection feels unreciprocated for a while, remind her that you love her and that you’re in this together.
4. Remember and Celebrate.
Celebrate the life of your child, no matter how brief. Reflect on the journey you experienced together. Consider ways to honor their memory—be it through a birthday celebration or a meaningful tattoo.
5. Prepare for Unhelpful Comments.
People mean well, but their words can sometimes hurt. Expect to hear phrases like “it will get easier” or “you can try again.” Prepare to protect your partner from these well-meaning but misguided sentiments.
6. Discuss Counseling.
Consider seeking professional help together. This isn’t a sign of weakness; rather, it’s an opportunity to navigate the complex emotions that arise.
7. Commit for the Long Haul.
Understand that the impact of this loss will resonate throughout your lives. Choose to support each other through the long-term journey of healing.
In conclusion, while the path of child loss is fraught with challenges, it’s also a journey that can lead to profound insights about love, resilience, and the importance of support. For further guidance on navigating similar experiences, check out this excellent resource on family-building options.
Summary:
This article discusses the profound pain of losing a child from a father’s perspective, emphasizing the importance of grief, communication, and mutual support during such a challenging time. The author shares personal experiences and practical advice for coping with loss and supporting a partner through the grieving process.