Before the days of celebrity fitness trends and social media influencers, I ventured into the world of Weight Watchers. It was an exciting time—I could indulge in treats while sticking to my diet plan. I fancied myself an expert in scouting out sweets that wouldn’t derail my progress. That was until my expertise backfired spectacularly. Yes, folks, we’re talking about an unholy “fire” brewing from my backside.
Picture this: It was a bright, sunny Friday during summer, and I was ready to clock out from my Manhattan publishing job by 1 p.m. Having been diligent with my diet all week, I swung by the drugstore for a little reconnaissance in the candy aisle. That’s when I spotted a bag of Sugar-Free Jelly Belly Sours. Curious, I flipped it over to check the nutrition facts. Just 200 calories for the entire bag! My heart raced—this was a Weight Watchers dream!
Fast forward to the office, I devoured the entire bag of jelly beans before 10 a.m., feeling like I was winning at life. But my triumph was short-lived. As I scanned the empty bag for my WW points, I stumbled upon a tiny warning in red: “WARNING: CONSUMPTION MAY CAUSE STOMACH DISCOMFORT AND/OR LAXATIVE EFFECT. INDIVIDUAL TOLERANCE WILL VARY; WE SUGGEST STARTING WITH 8 BEANS OR LESS.”
Wait, hold up. Eight beans? Seriously? I mean, who eats just eight jelly beans? In my mind, I had polished off at least 70. Yes, you heard that right—seventy. I was in for a wild ride.
I should have heeded the warning, but who expects a candy bag to come with a disclaimer? If they were honest, the candy should be labeled “Ass Blasters” with a caution that reads “Pack a bag for your intestines.” After a quick online search, I was horrified to discover that many others had suffered similar fates after indulging in these sinister sweets. The sugar alcohols they use are notorious for wreaking havoc on your digestive system.
As the clock ticked closer to 1 p.m., I felt fine—until I hopped on the Long Island Railroad. About halfway through the ride, my stomach began to gurgle ominously. Panic set in; I realized I had entered what I dubbed “CODE BROWN.” My body was in full revolt, and there was no stopping it.
The last 15 minutes of that train ride felt surreal. My husband was anxiously awaiting my arrival, fully briefed on the situation via text. When I finally saw him revving the engine like a getaway driver, I knew I had to make a run for it. I managed to waddle to the car without an incident, but the moment we got home, it was a race against time. And let me tell you, I emerged victorious from that battle, but not without a spiritual experience that I will never forget.
Since that fateful day, I’ve become a vigilant reader of labels and share my cautionary tale with anyone considering the sweet allure of sugar-free candies. If you’re looking for something to cleanse your colon, I recommend these jelly beans—just be prepared for the aftermath.
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In summary, be cautious of sugar-free jelly beans. They may seem harmless, but they can lead to quite the explosive situation if consumed in excess. Always read the labels!